I’m actually just one of those filler characters in life who do nothing important or inspirational but offers enough support to be worthwhile as a work-horse.
It's ok because people invite me to those Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) parties all the time and I immediately think less of them.
Them: I'm having a Mary Kay/Pampered Chef/doTerra/Emotional Unstable/Makeup/Poopy Fest party! You should come, it will be SO much fun!
Maddie: No
Like WTF...stop.
The important theme in this story is the ongoing failure that punctuates the perpetual effort that makes up the inter-workings of my existence. Some failure is by choice. Other by accident.
It was October 2016.
October is one of my favorite months. It's crunchy and cool. Number wise, it's the 10th month and while I hate circles, I am a fan of the number 10. October also contains Halloween. I was married in October...
So, right, October 2016.
This specific year my entire national team was brought together for a couple days of personal and professional development. I have learned this means lecture. Lots and lots of lecture. Lots and lots of lecture with some "close your eyes" instructions.
My father taught me to keep my back to the wall and not to close my eyes in public places (you can read about him in the post That Time My Dad Defined My Entire Educational Career With A Briefcase)
If you know anything about me, you know I am not actually developed. I'm more of a deconstructor than a developer. I don't like the pink-cloud, I don't like to avoid tough stuff and I don't like to waste people's time when I can use that time to make things better WITH them.
Manager: So, some feedback for you, an opportunity for you growth. Some people have suggested you stop calling their ideas stupid.
Maddie: This feedback is stupid.
Anyhow, the last night of our gathering from across the US, we have this nice dinner and we’re all there exhausted. The senior vice-president is there, so, there’s a lot of making sure ties aren’t crooked and best behavior is being shown.
I sit in the way back.
So, speeches start and awards are being given out. That's part of the company culture - nice night out and awards are given.
Now, in my company, one of the things they do for theatrical effect is to never announce the name of the person until the very end of the "why this person is great" speech. In fact, one of my favorite games is catching pronouns while the speaker does their best to not use them or stumbles on how to use them.
Once a "he" or "she" is thrown down, you can start eliminating victims, though. Sometimes people throw in a "this teammate" or the modern re-engineering of "they" as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Fun fact: The English language, while considered a gender-neutral language, contains no epicene (gender-neutral) singular pronouns. Finnish is the only language with only gender-neutral pronouns.
So our senior director gets up to talk and present some new award. Fantastic. I black-out.
It's not a true black-out. I had those. A black-out is when you just are suddenly in the future with no memory of time. I think what I normally experience is a very intense not paying attention. I got a lot of stuff in my head and I think sometimes my brain just short circuits and shuts out the incoming stimuli while still keeping time.
Who cares?
I'm doing what I'm doing - I pick a spot and track that spot - people who have no brain activity do it. That’s a theater trick, too. You always look at whoever is speaking to both show you are paying attention, to keep attention off of you, and to spotlight the person talking for the general audience.
And then something is said about pens.
And I think “I like pens.” I’m thinking to myself, "who else on this goddamn team likes pens? No one likes pens more than me! I single-handily saved this goddamn department from ballpoint pens.Why is my pen liking looked at as weird while the person getting this award is all like 'wow, this person can find you the perfect pen?' What a sack of baloney and cheese!"
Director: Teammate of the Year is Amanda!
Everyone is clapping and standing up.
Maddie Thought:. . .so, are pens cool or not cool?
Brain: Oh f**k, you just won an award. I have no procedures for this. Better walk up there. You made a poor decision with this pencil skirt. You gained about 20lbs in your butt directly. I'm going to make sure you don't run into anything but you are totally on your own. Wait, wait, don't set the expectation too high - this is a vote-y award. That means people voted for you. You better let them know who they elected here. Remember that one time you were nominated to be the theater club's president? Can you recycle that speech? (Check out The Time I Was Nominated To Be President)
Maddie Thought: No.
Brain: Fiddlesticks. Ok, go with brutal honesty. THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE!
Maddie Thought: Will do!
I stand in front of this LONG table filled with thousands of people with eyes tracking me and probably paying attention. There are people who make a lot of money and have big offices which make them better than me by common procedural standards...I have one chance...
I wanted to explain that I don't think I am anything great or inspirational to anyone, I'm just trying to be the best I can because I am surrounded by so many people who are awesome and talented and will go places and do amazing things! From a very young age, I have been told I am not smart, not good enough, committed enough, likable enough, not social enough, not mindful enough, not trained enough, not normal enough - and everyday I work as hard as I can to make sure no one else ever feels like that because of their mistakes or because we're all a little different in what we like, what we do, what we struggle with and how we deal with life. I wanted to say that I am only who I am because of who I work with - so this award is a reflection of the group, not of me.
As a first time award winner of anything based on my personality at 36 - what did I say?
Maddie: I failed kindergarten.
Everyone laughs.
Anyhow, I said other stuff about being grateful and I was, honestly, mostly speechless. I did not black out which would have been nice. I also black out when I am doing stuff. It's great. I managed to say someone needed to come stop me from talking - because I suck. So, that helped.
No, the story goes on!
About 23 hours later, while getting the box with the award out of the backseat of my car, it fell out of the box and broke into about 1000 shards. It broke right across my name so there was no way to even glue it together.
I curled up in bed for a while because that was devastating. And I HATE being in bed when it is not sleepy-bed-time.
Later, I tell my manager about the 23 hour life expectancy of the award. She laughs and says she will talk to our director about maybe ordering another one. Later I talked to my director about it.
Director: Hello, Teammate of the Year!
Maddie: Hi. I'm sure you have heard by now...
Director: What?
Maddie: I broke the award about 23 hours after getting it.
Director: *laughs*
Many moons later
Director: I thought you were joking, wait, you REALLY broke it?
Maddie: You think out of all the things I would joke about THAT would be it? Interesting.
Nope, this is who I am. Breaker of the things that are mostly my own heart and peoples expectations.
I got duplicate sent to me and I have not touched it. In fact, it was mailed directly to a coworker so I didn’t have to touch it and risk breaking it. It sits at work at my desk free of my fingerprints.
And THAT people, is how I got an award and swiftly proved who I was.
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