Biking Advice for Newbies

As for biking advice for a newbie! 

OMG! YES! DOES WRITING IN ALL CAPS MAKE ME SEEM EXCITED?!11!! IS THIS POST ABOUT TO GET UNNECESSARILY LONG?!?!? 

YOU BET IT IS!!!

I ride a Specialized (brand) Dolce (model) road bike which I got for about $400 along with a 5 year service plan for about $80. I have ridden it for about 5 years now, booked two centuries and a host of other events on it, and love it. 

I originally had a very low-end Trek mountain bike, Jazzy, who I still love very much. I still have Jazzy.

When in training, I ride 2-3 times a week based on an actual training plan (that I sort of made up based on science). I am an endurance rider, not a racer, so I will book upwards of 50+ in a single long ride and 25 in a short ride. I mostly ride alone so my advice is all geared toward being safe, fueled and self-sufficient.

I would grade myself a C on accomplishing this but A for looking like I have it together. Ok, D.

I don’t know what will be provided for you on your ride, and depending on how much you want to ride before (or after or again), you will need different things.

Here is a basic list and some prices based on what I get:

Bike 

Duh. Prices and sales vary but a good bike store can find something in your budget and to fit your needs. I visited a couple stores and tested a lot of bikes. I would strongly suggest not buying something at Walmart or something. 

Go to an actually bike shop, they will help you and also fit you for the bike so your body is in the right position – which is SO important.

Helmet 

I think I paid $20 for mine and I have had it forever. I also have a backup because if you have a bad fall, you need to toss it because the integrity is ruined and you want to protect your brain. 

Your brain does a lot of interesting stuff that is important to being alive.

Water Vessel

I use a hydration pack that carries 2 liters of water (and my stuff) because when I am training, I don’t know when I will come across water or food. I think a good hydo-pack runs about $30 minimum. 

If you are doing and even that is fully supported, you can refill a water bottle frequently and probably don’t need this. . .unless you like to carry stuff. 

Bike Gloves

I use Pearl Izumi gel gloves, they are running about $15. If you fall, they will protect your hands and if you ride a lot, they prevent a mostly harmless but annoying condition known as handlebar palsy (I have it RIGHT NOW!). 

My gloves last about a year of hard riding. There are better gloves out there. Once you hit about 10 miles, you want gloves for protection.

Biking Shorts

I have been committed to Canari Cyclewear Women's Gel Cycle Liner Padded Cycling Brief which run about $15.00. However, I bought a pair of Castelli Velocissima Shorts $81.84 and took the plung and got the Women's Black Padded BibsCycling Modest Performance Road Bike Shorts which I am super liking. 

Bike shorts cushion your butt and inner leg area – because, yeah, that’s going to get a little sore. The type I wear is super cheap and there are much better types out there. I just really like them. If you want to know more about your future ouchies, I will tell you everything riding over 5,000 mile has taught me.

Eye Protection

Aka Sunglasses. You want to protect your eyes from anything that might be flying at your face and the sun. I ride a lot, so, I use RIVBOS UnisexPolarized Sports Sunglasses because they have interchangeable lenses from clear to stuff for BRIGHT SUN. 

They cost about $20 and are super hard to break.

Shirts/Other Clothes

You can get away with t-shirt and whatever workout stuff you have. I like anything that has sweat wicking and UV protection for long rides (and a sexy farmers tan) in the summer. 

Cycling specific shirts will be longer in the back and have pockets for stuff, too, which is cool for carrying your phone or whatever. I like a built-in bra, myself. 

I also wear stupid bright colors and never match anything so I stand out like the obnoxious armature I am. You are going to need to layer if the temperature is going to drop below 60. I have ridden in 22 degree weather and I don't recommend that.

Don’t be like me. 

If you need other clothing advice, hit me up. I’m damn cheap.

Bike Pump

The less flat your tires are, the easier your ride. You should check your tires before every ride. You will lose about 2lbs of pressure every day and that can add up. If you ride in a group, someone probably has one. You can really get by without it for a little bit. . .but, if you are going to be biking a lot, you should get one.

I am an endurance rider and I will book up to 50+ miles unsupported so I do things differently when training. 

On an actual supported ride you don’t need as much as I carry with me.

Bike multi-tool, bike pump, extra tube, tire patches, Co2...

No idea how to use this stuff, I just hope if I do, someone will be there. I bike on hope more than raw skill. I bought Kevlar lining stuff for my tires to prevent getting flats. I also keep my bike well services. 

*fingers crossed*

Hydration Tablets

Sometimes called salt tablets. I use NUNN brand tablets. You drop them in your water and they will give you electrolytes, salts and all the stuff you will sweat out. It’s like Gatorade but better. 

If you are going to be sweating (or hungover) these things make a HUGE difference. 

One of the things you might not notice if you are biking is how much water your body is processing because you are sort of self-cooling as you ride. If it’s a hot day and you are working out, get some hydration tablets.

Lights

Light are for the right time, not just for night time. Not that I ride at night. It’s about being visible – you can get real invisible real fast outside. 

On the front of my bike, I have a Cateye HL ($18) which does a direct light and strobe thing. It is less for me to see and more to be seen, again. I buy a rear light every year and promptly destroy it ($20) because I never secure it right. I had a light that attached to the frame of my bike and lights up the road under me with colors. 

Anyhow, pretty much once 3-4pm hits, you want to have something flashing on your bike if you are going to be around cars. 

You can probably get a light set for $20-30.

Bike Fanny-Pack

I don’t know what they are called. I have a little pouch under my seat to carry junk. I think actually only my metals are in there and my multi-tool right now because I am unprepared for the future. 

It’s not bad to have one because you can fit an emergency sandwich in there.

Energy

You need a lot of energy (calories) to ride a lot and prevent something called “bonking” - when you don’t have enough sugar in your system and you get real dumb and pass out. I happen to like Clif Gel Shots and I get a box of like a million for like $100.

I also pack have a spice cake.

Previously, I use PopTarts. You can get all sorts of fuel to carry. And yes, you are going to be eating while on a ride. 

By the time you hit 15-20 miles or have been riding for an hour you need to start taking in fuel (calories). If not, you’ll suddenly feel dizzy, forget what your name is and then be on the ground.

Odometer

I use a Sigma brand thing that has wires and stuff to tell me my speed and distance based on my tire size. I don’t use something that attaches to GPS or my phone because. . .the one I have is like $17 rather than $50 for other technology. 

This does help with pacing and if you know the next rest stop is 10 miles away and you just rode 20 miles, it helps prove you took a wrong turn.

Identification

I wear my emergency information on a set of dog tags or on a wrist band EVERY RIDE. 

I use Road ID brand stuff because it’s an awesome company and fantastic product. 

Emergency information is any drug allergies, phone number of someone who can make medical decisions for you (or who cares if you die), year of your birth, name, and any health conditions you have. EMTs are trained to look for these things in the event of an emergency and that is what they want to know. If you want to see what I got – pop on over. 

Headphones

I can speak highly of Dislot Wired Earphones In ear Headphones ($15). I actually used them once on a ride and I don’t like them because I like to have my ears open to hear stuff around me. 

If you do want to listen to music while you ride outside, they are pretty good. I use them on the treadmill which is far more bouncy then biking. They are tougher than normal headphones and work with a lot of devices and even in rain (IDK actually, I was out in the rain with them and they still work).

Plastic Bags

I ride in all weather conditions. I always have a couple Ziplock type plastic bags on me for my phone and medication bottle (because I dope). 

Also for other people who are freaking out that their phone is getting wet. 

Sharing is caring.

Mace

I carry mace on the strap of my hydration pack where I can get at it. Can’t be too careful. 

If you decide to carry self-protection stuff, you do need to know how to use it and be able to get at it when under duress. 

I test out my mace once a year and often grab it during a ride so I know where it is. Yes, my father was the head of the Secret Service in Philadelphia.

Sunblock and Bug Spray

I hose myself down before a ride but often do not have room to carry these things. It is better to cover up skin that might get sunburned than reapply a product.

Things you should care about but not panic about:

Etiquette

When biking, you need to know how to use hand signals and how to call out to other bikers. I don’t ride with cars that much anymore, but, it’s good to know basic road signals and how to operate around cars and not panic. It’s also good to learn how to “talk” to other bikers on a ride and listen to them. I can teach you or you will learn on a ride with other bikers. The best place to get “car sound” is Manayunk because the locals tend to know how to behave around bikers.

Falling

As an avid crasher, it’s not THAT bad. I have clip-petals so I am attached to my bike – unless I have time to unclip from it, I go where the bike goes. I don’t recommend clips unless you are like “biking is my THING!” So, if you don’t have clips, you can put your feet down if you are in trouble. Really, the key to not falling is recognizing trouble.

Mechanical

I have been shown how to change a tire like 500 times and I never did it once so I forget. On a supported ride, someone will help you. If not, you  just got to walk back. I also have a bike rack, so, I don’t have to take off my front tire to load my bike. It’s good to know how to take care of your bike or at least know where to go to get it taken care of.

Training

Fully-supported bike events are cool because you can be as in shape or out of shape as you want. Someone will pick you up if you don’t want to ride anymore. Being conditioned to ride can make it much more fun even if you don’t want to ride every single mile. Training should encompass muscle, cardio and how to shift gears on the bike.

Food

Eating the right foods at the right time can make a huge difference on a ride. What you eat the day before can make a difference. This is coming from someone who once hangerily ate a jar of peanut butter in the back of a car on the way to Shady Maple.

Things you should not care about but people sometimes do but you should not:

Leg shaving

Don’t matter. Trust me. You’re on a bike and that’s super cool. Take it to the next level and dye that leg hair American colors because #murcia.

Gear tattoo

Chain grease has a magical way of semi-tattooing your skin. You might get some on your leg in this three or four dot pattern from the gear. Don’t even worry about it. It goes away and it also looks real cool.

Hair

Nothing is sexier than bike-helmet hair. Carry some hair ties. I have found for longer hair, pig-tails work best when riding because it won’t be a mass being pressed into your head by your helmet but will also be off your neck.

Makeup

 No one needs that sh** in their eye. I rode over 20 miles with mascara in my contact once. ONCE. No vanity is worth that torture. Don’t even pack it unless you want to apply it directly into your eyes and mouth. Ick.

Stench

After a certain amount of miles, you are going to smell . . .it’s called being FREAKING AWESOME and everyone knows it. I once blamed my stench on New Jersey, so I get it.

I look fat: My legs also look like stuffed sausage in bike shorts because they are supposed to be tight. Biking shirts and stuff run super small. What of it? You’re on a bike and there’s nothing better. ‘Cept eating and sleeping. Your equipment is there to protect and support you. You’re riding in Tour DaVita – you’re a rockstar.

Quitting

Yep. There will come a point where you’re all alone and you hear “Hello, darkness my old friend. . .” play in your mind. You will want to stop and quit. You will get mad at mother nature when the wind blows really hard or it starts to rain or you get a bug stuck in your nose. 

You’ll see people with better bikes, better gear, better conditioning and better attitudes flying past you while you start to calculate if the devil will get you out of this for the price of your soul (he won’t). 

But there are few greater privileges than facing all of that on a bike. 

At the end of a bad ride or even a ride that you quit, you get to get back on a bike and try again. You get to go home. On a charity event, you are literally riding for millions of people who don’t have the ability to quit their situation or go home. 

On a bike, I have faced my greatest demons and found my greatest peace.

The King of Fosters

B.B. King was an emergency pick-up directly from the shelter. The shelter is a safe place, not always the best place. He was so scared and stressed, a foster was needed to give him a quiet and better place.

Fostering is like that.

King was an emaciated orange cat, estimated to be about 8 months – so he was well past “cute kitten” phase even though he was still a baby. He was a long-hair, for sure, even though his coat was more fuzzy with dust and slick with oil and dirt than fur.

And he was so skinny!

When you went to pick him up, he turned feather-light when you wanted to believe he had some weight under that fur.

B.B. King was NOT a fan of me. I imagine for good reason – as humans we put him into the state he was in, he had every right to be angry. He didn't owe me gratitude, I owed him love and maybe enough food to put on a couple pounds.

Fostering is also like that.

King’s first order of business was to hide. He kept low to the ground, bones scrunched under his tattered tiger coat as if he could will himself smaller while giant eyes locked on me only seconds from panic as I laid on my belly outside of the room and talked to him.

His bones betrayed him and a can of food was too hard for him to resist even with the amount of fear he had. He rammed his face into the bowl and did not look up or twitch his tail until every shred was gone. So I gave him another can and he licked the bowl clean.

Two cans down, he went back to hiding and I left more food out for him and gave him some space alone.

My normal in with kittens and cats is Lucky – my big rescue cat who loves playing cat dad. With a stern paw and patient nature, he often soothes my kittens faster than I ever could.

Nope. Not this time. Lucky hated King as much as King disliked me. Lucky hated King, King hated me, Lucky liked me, King hated Lucky...

So, I sat alone in my small den and talked to King. I worked more in the den so he could watch me and listen to all the sounds of typing and games and music.

Most people think the “magic” of earning an animal’s trust is when you cuddle and pet them. That’s not true, it’s actually when they play.

Play is the most magical thing when you have a rough foster because it means they are finally feeling a little more comfortable, have more energy and are willing to engage with you in something not related to survival.

Play works the same for people.

King wouldn’t play with me, but, he enjoyed wrestling with a little mouse toy for a second so there was hope. It was as if he would start playing and then remember some horror that might happen and forget the toy to run under something or carefully eye the whole room. He often wanted to collect all the toys and sit on them while looking around waiting for someone to rob him.

King's first reaction to me was what had been taught first - everything could result in pain and he better flinch. Even when he finally let me pet him – he would panic and bite me and run hide. I didn’t yank or yell or get mad when he bit me. You can’t get mad at someone’s fear reaction.

We continued along; King not being into me but eating as much as possible.

I saw while he was good at taking cat baths, he was actually a couple different colors...

...I had to give him a bath because he looked BAD and since he let me pet him, I figured now was a good time to destroy that trust by soaking him.

Let's just say he was locked between abject horror and shock as I scrubbed him.

Twice.

The water ran black and then green from the amount of dirt, oil and antifreeze or something weird locked in his coat. Wherever he had been hiding, it had been dirty. Cats don't like being dirty so I can image his street life was pretty rough. Then I wrapped him in towels and brushed him in front of the space heater until he was a polished vision of a cat.

King did forgive me for the bath.

Eventually.

Really, King had a loving soul and seemed like such a tender heart. He was not handed the best start and, with me, he wasn't in the best forever situation. Stuck in my den or alone or with just me was no life for this guy. He needed a family and a do-over.

He was already really getting into head rubs.

As the weeks passed, he venture onto my lap for a minute or two, then some unknown shadow in his mind would cause him to return to a hiding spot. King went as far as to lay next to me and even took a nap on the couch while touching me once. I even got to use him as an arm rest once while he napped.

He loved food. He was learning there was other stuff to love, too. Just not me.

Then I got the message - He got adopted! It was a friend of a friend on Facebook. She was approved and was ready to pick him up.

I showed up with a carrier full of King - still thin but gaining weight and clean. I even made sure to brush him really good so he looked extra-handsome. I was not sure if he would bite someone so I told him to just be nice.

Since the store was new to him, he sat on my lap where he knew he would be safe as we waited.

The family came and a young boy came into the corral area to check out this cat while his mom went over the paperwork. I was waiting for King to bite him. To run. To display all that behavior. I told the mother he was a little shy, I explained rapidly that he was a little nervous right now...

..And this rough and tough scardy cat walked right up to that boy and that was it.

Something switched on in King as fast as he got his new name – Tank.

It was love.

There was no sign of the scared cat that had been dragged off the streets half-starved and filthy. There was no sign of the cat that bit and hid and ran. BB King was dead - officially.

What existed now was Tank. And Tank was in love, leaving all his past behind with me for a new life. I swear he smiled as he loved on this boy.

That is the power of fostering that a lot of fosters don’t get to see – the full circle thing. I got the bedraggled mean creature who endured horrors and was unsure about everything and I didn't give up on him ever - so when he went to his forever home, he was ready to really be loved.

You see, as a foster, you love them first when it’s the hardest thing to do, so someone else can love them last.

Cats I Have Fostered

How many cats have you had? People ask me. A lot.

OMG, how many cats, like, do you have? Do you have like...a lot?

In my life, I have had two cats:

• Smokey: The cat that my parents got me for my 8th birthday. She was about 20 when she died quietly in her sleep.
• Lucky: My current cat. I fostered because he had Feline Leukemia (FeLuk), then he converted and had no where to go - so I adopted him.

What most people are really asking is how many cats I have fostered.  Remember when I wrote How I Became a Foster (Cat) Parent - I didn't keep any of them, even if I had some until they died.

So, here is a current list of all the cats I have fostered:

• Anacani (Current)
• Apple (Adopted)
• B.B. King (Adopted)
• Banana (Adopted)
• Bright Angel (Adopted)
• Caroline (Adopted)
• Carrot (Adopted)
• Charlie (Died)
• Dakota (Unknown)
• Dusty (Adopted)
• Henry (Died)
• June Bug (Adopted)
• Love Bug (Adopted)
• Lucy (Died)
• MacGyver (Current)
• MacHenry (Current)
• Mack (Died)
• Mackenzie (Current)
• Ponderosa (Adopted)
• Sneakers (Adopted)

So, yeah. I have one cat. I'm just a dealer, man. You need some vitamin C...or K...for kitten?

The Time I Was Nominated To Be President

I am not a highly social person, I force myself to try to do things with other people. I mean, I like people, I like learning stuff, I enjoy the intricacies of people who exist outside of my head. I actually like people. I just find I also like not being around people and dealing with intricacies of people who exist outside my head.

In college, I decided I would make friends and the best way to make friends is to establish a common ground first and then build from there. I joined the theater club. I had been involved in theater in high school mostly behind the scenes. In college, I helped with costuming and makeup – and set building, once. I really should not be building things.

Like friendships.

This was a super-official club. Sometimes the letters Alpha Psi Omega were thrown around. But, I went to a small college that didn’t have Greek stuff. Whatever. We still had chapter meetings and an official president, vice-president, treasure and historian. Something. IDK.

I normally fly under the radar but I guess some of my punchiness was picked up by someone. Because I attended the meeting and our meeting agenda involved picking a new president.

Here is how this conversation went:

Jessica: So, I nominate Bruce!
Mark: Yes, Bruce in the best! We all want him to be the president. He loves this club and theater.
Maddie: [listening to Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies in my head]
Sally: Right now he is solving world problems in some war ravaged place that doesn’t speak English, but, that’s ok because while he’s an America he has six-pack abs and speaks other languages.
Ned: He’s a model of a human, physically, mentally and spiritually.
Maddie: [listening to Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies in my head]
Jessica: [looking through official documents about stuff] We can’t have one person nominated. For us to go by the by-laws, we have to have at least two people running for president
Jennifer: Idk, who else wants it?
Jeff: We really like Bruce. Can’t we just elect him? Get him on the phone.
Maddie: [listening to Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies in my head]
Rebecca: I nominate Maddie. Does anyone second the motion?
Maddie: Wait, what?
Jessica: You have been nominated. I second the motions.
Maddie: Are we using Westminster parliamentary procedures or American parliamentary procedures?
Jessica: Maddie, you have 2 minutes to give a speech on why you should be selected.

This was my moment. The moment where someone recognized my natural leadership abilities, my confidence and drive. My determination and commitment to the art and science of something I was passionate about. I could see it in a flash – the work, the way I could make a difference in this tiny group. I had ideas about programs and venues and how we could bring theater to the people! Sure, I wasn't pretty or skilled or talented, but, I would work my ass off every waking second to harness the talent we had to make this world a better place.

My future, the future of the club was based on everyone. EVERYONE. We could do it.

I stood, I cleared my throat and decided to go with the only thing I really had to offer – honesty.

Maddie: …I’m keeping democracy alive…

So, Bruce was elected. He was great at it. I still think it was the most honest I’d ever been.

Project Halloween: Skin Tests

I haven’t glued anything to myself in a while. I am going to be gluing a lot of stuff to myself so I started with a skin test. I need to glue a lot of large flat-back crystals to myself as well as cover myself with metallic body paint and glitter. 

Because...what is more horrific than glitter?

The body paint I used and was blow away by (and having no other experience with body paint) was Mehron Metallic Powder with the matching Mixing Liquid. It was super awesome and then I applied too much glitter. But, that's a good lesson on how much glitter is "too much glitter."  

For the gems, I used good ol’ standard, spirit gum and then liquid latex. A lot of online junk tells me liquid latex is not a good adhesive because it’s rubber or something. And I have used spirit gum for face stuff in the past without problem.

But this is my body. Body skin is different than face skin. And leg skin. And tummy skin. And underarm skin. Literally, if you are a girl, they teach you that you need a different product for every patch of skin you have. Skin is pretty much the same. Sometimes, hair grows out of it. 

Or festering boils.

The problem with spirit gum is that I have to WAIT for it to become tacky or it will migrate. It will also get your fingers all sticky and sh**. It does smell better than liquid latex. 

After about an hour of my test stuff, I need to remove it. It really all held up well - 'cept the spirit gummed gems. They were migrating like mad leaving sticky sail-trails behind. 

So, I start with the gems. The latex was a blast, easy to paint on, stick on and stay stuck and remove and clean. Wonderful. The gems with the spirit gum were just sticky and left behind a sticky mess.Now I’m covered with spirit gum. No problem. I use the spirit gum remover.

And the remover did nothing. 

NOTHING.

I wash with soap and water then drench myself with the remover.

Nope. 

Now the spirit gum remover bottle is covered in sticky spirit gum and so are my fingers – everything I touch is sticking to me like gems, cotton, toilet paper…failure. In fact, the mess is somehow getting bigger. 

And I did check to make sure I was using the spirit gum remover and not more spirit gum. That would have been a funny but pretty difficult endeavor. 

I wanted to try rubbing alcohol, but, I don't have any. Why did this happen? I don't know.

I get a bottle of aloe - because it has some of the same letters as isopropyl alcohol - and rub that all over my chest and find everything gets pretty slipper. Awesome. I sense victory. 

I wash it off and my chest returns to be super sticky.

I get into the shower and use soap and water with a sponge. Still sticky.

I use extra soap and the scrub brush. Still sticky.

I grab the bath salt that have been marinating in oil and rub that over my chest.

SUCCESS.

Needless to say, I will be going with liquid latex to secure the gems. The body paint went on like a dream and stayed like a dream and also washed off like a dream. 

This is why you always rehearse your junk.

The Sexy-Time Cake Story

I was dating this guy – let’s call him Boguslav Nikola – and we were dating for a while. I mean, I think I dated him for three or four years. He was supposed to be a one-night stand but...that’s a story for another time.

It happened to be my birthday weekend. Between work and school and all that, we had a small party with my parents where a double-decker chocolate cake was homemade by my Mom and was in my fridge of my apartment. We had gone out to dinner and had cake at my apartment - just so you have a concept of how hard I party.

And the apartment was the haunted one, yes (Read about it: The Time My Apartment Was Haunted)

Now, I worked three jobs and freelanced while going to school full-time. You'd think all that would have made me successful or rich or smart, alas - here I am. It did mean I was normally up and out the door around 4:30am and didn’t walk back into into the apartment until 8pm at night, so, the dinner was smashed in there as my only "celebration" for my birthday. 

I had some free time that weekend, though. Since it's August, I didn't have as much going on. I thought this would be perfect for some cool, sexy, rar-rar, hubba-hubby couple time. Right?

I was going to put in some effort into it. REAL effort.

I was going to make the neighbors call the cops type...grrr, squeek-sweek, sexy-groan, nom-nom, rar-rar, bang, chicken cluck, motorized drill, bubble wrap...

...You get the idea.

I got my sexiest sexy sex-kitten lingerie on. I had a sexy corset that was strapless and all lusty-red and black. I had these impractical underwear, too. I struggled into some sexy fishnet thigh-highs with red bows on them - apparently, the sexy-fishnet stocking industry thinks someone with my calf size has really small thighs so it's always a little struggle to get into them or to keep them from falling down. I even had a silk sexy sexy-time robe to sort of hide the kabootle like some type of cross-dressing samurai. 

I shaved, too. Without cutting myself. I even had glitter and smell-good on. I was ready to rock and roll. 

MM!

I draped myself with alluring ease across my couch so I would be the first thing he would see when he walked into the living room. This was a little complicated because when I laid on my side, I had to fix my boobs a lot because the corset was not really for support or anything practical. The couch was also a little droopy and I had to flip the couch cushions to get a little more support so my body wasn’t on a downward angle. Then I had to make sure the robe was laying right.

Look, this is all very hard to do in a corset. And this was a back-closure corset. You normally need another person to help you get into those things and I did it all by myself. I probably had rope burn from it.

So, I turned on the TV and waited for my man to arrive for hot sexy sex-sex horn-dog birthday fun time. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face. 

In comes Boguslav Nikola!

Maddie: Lock the door, baby.

Boguslav Nikola: Ok. Done. Sorry I'm late, there was an...oh wow. You look great.

Maddie: Oh, this old thing? Do you like it?

Boguslav Nikola: Yeah, wow. Yeah, that's so hot. it’s really hot.

Maddie:…mmmm...

Boguslav Nikola: Hey, is there cake?

I mean, I down with it. Whipped cream, icing, cake – sure! Fuzzy handcuffs, Skittles, Sabre Dance - by Aram Khachaturian in the background...whatever, man. Let's get this birthday sexy time goin'! Yeah!

Maddie: Yeah, baby. In the fridge.

Boguslav Nikola: Cool

Boguslav Nikola proceeds to take out the cake and get a fork and sit in front of the TV to watch the Simpsons while I am there all being all sexy sex-kitten. Boguslav Nikola had basically been presented with both lust and gluttony – willing sex-kitten and chocolate cake. He picked the cake.

He picked CAKE.

So, about an hour later, I head to bed because I have to get up at 4:30am. Boguslav Nikola gets up seeing me getting up...

Boguslav Nikola: Hey, babe, where you goin'?

Maddie: I’m going to bed

Boguslav Nikola: What about, you know…

Maddie: …

Boguslav Nikola: Come on, baby. Why are you going to get all dressed up and then say we can’t do anything?

Maddie: …cake. You picked cake. I’ve been sitting here for an hour while you've been eating cake.

Boguslav Nikola:…I didn't pick cake, I was just like, I was going to and I didn't know if you were up for it and I mean, that was a good episode of the Simpsons and your Mom's cake is really, really good so I was...you know...waiting to see when you wanted to...

Maddie:…

Boguslav Nikola: I f**ked up, didn't I?

Maddie:....

As I un-hitched, decluttered and unpainted myself and snuggled into bed. Boguslav Nikola peeks in.

Boguslav Nikola:…don’t tell anyone about this, ok?

Maddie: ...

...Na.

And that is one of many times I proved that I cannot give it away. 

A Ranking of Celebrations and Holidays

Holidays, and general days of celebration, ranked in order of favorite to least favorite:

1. Halloween
2. Mystery Case Files Release Day
3. Christmas
4. Mother’s Day/Father’s Day (Tie)
5. Thanksgiving
6. St Amandus Feast Day (Feb 6)
7. Labor Day
8. Marine Corp Birthday
9. Easter/Good Friday
10. Groundhog Day
11. Eid al-Fitr/Rosh Hashana (when friends celebrate)
12. First Fridays
13. Memorial Day
14. Feast of St Francis of Assisi (Oct 4)
15. All solstices 
16. Daylight Saving Day
17. Independence Day 
18. Super Bowl Sunday
19. Columbus Day
20. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
21. George Washington’s Birthday
22. Saint Patrick's Day
23. Cyber Monday
24. Take Children to Work Day
25. New Year's Day (New Year's Eve)
26. Valentine’s Day
27. My birthday

Project Halloween: Why I Love Halloween

I love Halloween.

Most people who I say "Halloween is my thing" think I like it because it is weird and I'm weird. I don't know what the definition of weird is...


Oh...that's what it is. Cool. Yep.

The reasons I like Halloween are never really asked. I think that's strange sometimes - when someone says they like something or are really into something that we aren't, we never ask why. We assume something of their lives of personality before asking for data.

Here are the reasons I dig Halloween:

• I rarely feel connected to people. On Halloween, when I dress up and other people dress up, I feel a connection. I can be funny or horrible - I will always have something to talk to someone about. I feel more like part of a community.
• I like pushing boundaries. I like that this strange cultural tradition of Halloween is a time when you can be ANYTHING and do ANYTHING and it's all ok. Anything you want to explore or try on is ok - either externally or internally.
• I have lived through horror. Being able to see it outside of me makes me feel less alone.
• I like projects and learning. When I built a costume, I have to practice and work through things with my hands and mind. It's something that get's me going. It's fun! It's a fun process for me and when it comes to life - I just have a blast. The work is the joy, for sure.
• I like play. I like playing. I like when I can tackle something that I wouldn't normally do and have fun with it. I like learning about latex, makeup, special effects - I like learning about mythical beasts and real people. 

I started planing costume 2017 on November 1, 2016. In did my research and set up my list of items I would need. In August, I ordered my first shipment and, thanks to Amazon Prime, got it really quickly!

Project Halloween has moved from hypothetical to reality. Well...now I have to actually practice how to do all this stuff I will need to do. I'm not sure if I will be successful or how much I will have to alter, but, I'm going to do my best.

The Calpurnia Mission: Chapter 2: The Rebel Lion

This story is the meat of the whole situation or collection. This is where I can better define the problem that the characters have to solve – the returning of these magical keys. This was the first story where I had to fight brawn with brain.

The Rebel Lion starts with Derko, Calpurnia’s brother, being taken and held hostage. She has has some options:

• Turn herself in to Fairscourt to save him and face the consequences of her theft
• Run away 
• Attempt to save him

Calpurnia chooses to attempt to save Derko through slyness. She manages to infiltrate the heart of her Fairscourt's lair – a realm where he and his army, the Free Company, live. She is stopped by Rebelein and learns more of the details of what stealing the keys meant and generally what she is in for. It's a good place where the rules of the universe are explained.

The story displays two characters that are of importance – Commander Byron Fairscourt and Emmanuel Rebelein.

How about I pen a bit about Fairscourt?

Byron Fairscourt
Fairscourt is the first obvious antagonist – he is the one hunting Calpurnia and holding Derko. The whole goddamn series opens with him.

Goddamnit!

I wrote of Fairscourt: Brown, short hair. Hazel/green eyes. Muscular and compact. Walks with a limp. Probably 5’10-5’11.

It was so important for him to be brutal from Calpurnia's and Derko's perspective - and I created that brutality through two means:

• He is good at what he does
• He is never completely wrong

The first brush of Fairscourt was built for him to be the bully and the scary shadow.

It was also so important for him to carry the same richness as the rest of the characters even if he only gets a few lines or a few scenes in each story. Good thing I learned a lot from writing about Calpurnia for getting the most of a character out of the least amount of ink.

Phew.

As a Commander, the head of an army, I felt it was so easy for him to be simply brutal - that is the easiest part of him. In order for him to keep that position, he also had to be respected. He is a true protector – he just is not protecting Calpurnia who is the protagonist.

Fairscourt does not micromanage; he is involved with his men and seeks to bring out the best for the Company. He is a well-seasoned fighter with physical prowess – even though very rarely does he rely on his own force over a well contrived plan or his own men. I made sure his position as a leader of the Free Company involved the gritty planning over him in some type of combat.

Fairscourt is also probably the most mature character - like he adults good. I needed him to be powerful, brutal and intelligent in order for him to hold his own against Calpurnia. While she might win battles against him, he wins the war.

In order to create instability in Fairscourt, I built him with two different personalities that emerge at different times. Not Jekyll and Hyde, mind you. No Jekyll and Hyde is cool when you want to display out-of-controlness. Fairscourt is never out of control making the friendly, charismatic and submissive personality he can display against his cold and exacting personality…scarier.

Fairscourt is a remarkable static character but the world around the reader changes until when you review his first appearances and words, it makes complete sense and is completely the same as the person he is by the end.

What I Learned
Fairscourt is most often exposed through his journals that he kept for each mission. Each of these journals corresponds to a realm Calpurnia and Derko must visit to retrieve a key. The get to read why he was there, what work he was doing with his army, and then the after effects. This meant I had to come up with backstories for almost everything, as well as series of events, understand how Fairscourt would present them when writing down his notes and then finding slight ways Calpurnia could extract his character.

All while he was not there.

Fairscourt taught me a lot about honesty, good and evil and what it means to be loyal – to be centered in an ideology that understands others. Fairscourt is not bogged down with guilt and he doesn’t get caught up in things that do not threaten what he protects. He makes mistakes, he sees the importance of self-care and dicipline. He sees no importance in being louder or better than someone else.

He does his job even if what he is doing seems evil or wrong because he has a long view of life. He understand that only through oppression can there be revolution, and only in revolution can there be growth. He has no problem being the oppression or the revolution.

Within these perimeters, he is very quietly human. As the first “antagonist,” I thought it would be very difficult to find compassion or humanity in him. Actually, it was super easy and while he can be merciless, it felt easy to put him in spaces that required him to be supportive, trusting and even nurturing.

Key Points
Fairscourt always follows these structural rules:

• He is an excellent listener because he needs to extract information – not because he cares.
• He speaks only in “I” sentences. This is to show not only his total control over his world but because he absorbs the consequences. He is a protector and he claims everything as his own to protect it, use it and support it
• He doesn't allow women in his Company
• His weaknesses are hard to find but easy to see. It takes Calpurnia a long time to enrage Fairscourt. 
• It takes a lot of words and situations to final get a savage response from Fairscourt – although he shows his is capable in this chapter. 
• He has a doe-skinned jacket he wears frequently
• When possible, he will speak in one word as a command: Speak, report, silence, go

Fin
If you have questions about them or The Calpurnia Mission you can email me at StoriesbyMaddie at gmail or TheCalpurniaMission at gmail. All of the posts about the Calpurnia Mission can be found by clicking on the production label on the right.

What? I like gmail.