Halloween

I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

- The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot

Halloween Thoughts

There is always something to be said for those adults who are "into Halloween" who don't have kids. I mean, if you have kids it's ok, you have to be into it for them. If you don't have kids - I know how you look at us with your sympathy.

So, let me tell you what Halloween is.

Halloween is when you decide what you want to be.

Not be when you grow up, not be in 5 years - just what you want to be because we are human beings. When we talk to kids - or ourselves - about what we want to be...about what our SOULS are, we are talking about Halloween. Only on Halloween can you be anything.

October 31 - Suddenly, nothing is off limits, nothing is forbidden - crafty, sexy, gory, inspirational, funny - everything is ok. You can be a character, you can be on an adventure into stories, stores and shoes you might never wear again. But, what's really cool, sometimes you find something there - a look, a pose, a color - that never leaves.

Halloween is more than candy and kids and scary movies - just like Christmas is more than cookies, presents and jingle bells.

Halloween is when a child is told to dress as a superhero and the child chooses Chris Hadfield.

Halloween is when you take a perfectly normal, dirty squash you picked from a field and turn it into a masterpiece.

Halloween is when people come together and help each other out with gusto just to be a group of Smurfs or a bunch of flappers. We suddenly find common ground and things that bring us together in a world that seems to want to divide us.

Halloween is when you can see horror, we've all seen horror, and suddenly it's just a little bit more ok because we all jumped when the killer was behind the door. And if someone else jumps, if someone else is with you, suddenly you are a little more ok with the horror you have to face the day after Halloween.

Halloween is about being more than in or out of the comfort zone - it's about accepting all zones. Halloween is about finding objects and people and things and making them more real. Halloween is about looking horror in the face with a laugh.

I have had Halloweens that have stayed with me ever since...whispering...anything is possible...you can be anything...

My Vaguely Alarming and Scientific Food Issues

I have food in tolerances. This is a baffling and mythic part of my everyday that is not a part of a lot of other people's everyday. I know people who have allergies, intolerance and also food they don't like - just not as many as me.

I had a blood test to determine what my body was reacting to and then went through the process of removing ALL the foods and then adding them back in to see if I had a reaction. I had reactions to all of them and removing them from my life has made a huge different in my quality of life.

Not diet. Not skinny-girl talk. Nothing but my ability to carry on normal, everyday activities as free from pain as possible. This process took me well over a year.

I generally eat when I am home and have access to food that I know is safe. So, I eat about once a day. Most of the food I consume I have made myself, though I am working on trying to find brands of food I can buy and eat. This convenience is not part of my daily right now.

Here is a simple list of foods I cannot eat:

• Baker’s yeast
• Beans 
• Black pepper
• Brewer’s yeast
• Canola (rapeseed)
• Cranberry
• Dairy
• Eggs 
• Mushrooms
• Peanuts
• Soy
• Wheat
• White pepper

Here is the complex list of things I cannot eat - a lot of foods combine with more than one food trips everything. For example, I can have corn but I can't have corn with a cheese sauce. I can have bacon but not bacon which was cured in vinegar. 

• A1 Sauce
• Ailoi
• Atta flour
• Beans
• Bean sprouts
• Baked beans
• Baker’s yeast
• BBQ sause
• Beer
• Black Beans
• Black pepper
• Brewer’s yeast
• Bulgur
• Butter
• Buttermilk
• Canola (rapeseed)
• Casein
• Cheese
• Chutney
• Cider
• Clotted cream
• Cocktail mixes
• Cocktail sauce 
• Couscous
• Cranberry
• Creamer
• Crème fraiche
• Curd
• Custard
• Duck egg
• Duck sauce
• Durum
• Edamame
• Egg whites
• Eggs 
• Einkorn
• Farina
• Farro
• Frozen yogurt
• Gelato
• Ghee
• Graham
• Guacamole (store bought)
• Hoisin sauce
• Ice cream
• Kamut 
• Kefir
• Ketchup
• Khorasan
• Kidney beans
• Lentil
• Lima bean
• Malt
• Matzoh
• Mayonnaise
• Milk
• Miso
• Mung bean
• Mushrooms
• Mustard
• Navy beans
• Olives (in vinegar)
• Omelets
• Peanut butter
• Peanut oil
• Peanuts
• Pickles
• Pinto beans
• Quail egg
• Refried beans
• Relish
• Salad dressings
• Sauerkraut
• Seitan
• Semolina 
• Sour cream
• Soy
• Soy sauce
• Soybeans
• Spelt
• Sprouted wheat
• Sushi (made with rice wine)
• Sweet and sour sause
• Tabasco
• Tabbouleh
• Tamarind
• Tartar sauce
• Teriyaki
• Tofu
• Triticale
• Triticum
• Vinegar
• Wasabi
• Wheat 
• Wheat berries
• Wheat bran
• Wheat germ
• Wheatgrass
• Whey
• Whipped cream
• White beans
• White pepper
• Wine
• Yogurt

Here is a list of foods I don't like:

• Almond flour (almonds, in general, are not a favorite)
• Anything spicy
• Chocolate
• Cucumbers 
• Fish mint (aka: fish leaf, lizard tail, chameleon plant, heartleaf, fishwort or bishop's weed)
• Grapefruit

Hey, bright side, here are the foods I can and DO eat in the course of a year:

• Almond milk
• Almonds
• Anise
• Apples
• Artichoke
• Asparagus
• Avocado
• Bacon (not cured in vinegar)
• Banana
• Beef
• Beets
• Bell peppers (red, green, yellow and orange)
• Blackberries
• Blueberries
• Brazil nut
• Broccoli
• Brussels sprouts
• Cabbage
• Cantaloupe
• Carrot
• Cashew milk (FAV!)
• Cashews
• Cassava
• Cauliflower
• Celery
• Chard
• Chestnuts
• Chia seeds
• Chicken
• Coconut
• Coconut oil
• Coffee
• Corn
• Corn pasta
• Dates
• Eggplant
• Endive
• Flounder
• Frisee
• Garlic
• Gin
• Ginger
• Goat
• Goose
• Grapes
• Green beans
• Hazelnut
• Herbs (parsley, rosemary, thyme, etc)
• Herr's brand potato chips
• Honeydew
• Horseradish (not processed junk)
• Jicama
• Kale
• Lamb
• Leeks
• Lemon
• Lettuce
• Lime
• Lobstera
• Macadamia nuts
• Olive oil
• Olives (not cured)
• Onion (yellow, sweet, red)
• Parsnips
• Peaches
• Pear
• Pecans
• Pine nuts
• Pineapple
• Pistachios
• Plums
• Pork
• Potato vodka
• Potatoes
• Prunes
• Pumpkin
• Radishes
• Raspberry
• Red onion
• Rice
• Rice milk
• Rice pasta
• Rye
• Salmon
• Salt (all types, some even flavored)
• Scallions
• Scallops
• Shrimp
• Spaghetti squash
• Spinach
• Spring roll wrappers
• Squash
• Strawberries
• String beans
• Sunflower butter
• Sunflower oil
• Sweet potatoes
• Taro
• Tomatoes
• Tuna
• Walnuts
• Watermelon
• Yams
• Quinoa
• Zucchini

Brands I generally can eat:

• Bolthouse Farms: Most of their juices
• Cherrybrook Kitchen: Waffle and Pancake Mix
• Ener-G: Egg replacer and pretzels
• Herr’s chips: Mostly just the plain chips, nothing fancy 
• Miyoko's Kitchen: VeganMozz only
• Namaste Foods: Egg replacer, cake mix and waffle mix
• PlantFuision: Phood

That Time I Replied To Wrong Emails

I received an e-fax! An e-fax is like an email but the sender uses a machine from like the 1980s to send it.

It was for a credit reference between two companies. I won't lie, at first, I just deleted it assuming it was a scam. Then I kept getting them - it seemed less scammy and since I have tons of time on my hands, I looked into it.

Sure, who doesn't get a wrong number or have something sent that was meant for someone else? I think as part of our jobs as humans is to look out for each other. Really - wouldn't you want someone looking out for you?

So, I did what I could by replying to BOTH at the same time:

The text of the email is:

-------------------

Hello Parts Express and British Audio Services, 

I think you two should talk – like a little B2B action. I am really happy I could get you two together – honestly. I tried before, but, I have a good feeling this time. 

I have been getting the notices from Parts Express that I need to fill out a credit reference for British Audio Services. I’m pretty sure this is because someone fat-fingered a number somewhere. It’s ok – we can all still make magic work here before it is too late!

Parts Express: I want to connect YOU to your customers because business makes the world turn. I mean, I can tell Penny is a hard worker by the fearless way she penned “2nd request” but I can see there is some hesitation by that lowercase “e” – sure, she got her message across – or did she? Penny – you can BE A HERO by talking with British Audio Services and getting this whole thing fixed! Their number is (615) 891-1788 and they are (probably a little hungover in the morning) open until 10a-6pm M-F and 10-5p on Saturday. Just subtract an hour from that, you guys aren’t in the same time-zone. Oh, and they rest on the Lord's day. 

British Audio Services: You rock it, I know you do. Any company in TN with “British” in their name will walk into party with sock AND loafers and say, “What of it? I’m here to party.” If I ever go to TN, I will think about stopping by and making friends so I could fill out this credit reference for you. In the meantime, I think you have an order pending with Parts Express. Trust me, it won’t be that express if you don’t get this done, right? How about you give my friend Penny a call at Parts Express and get this whole caboodle fixed up? Just ring her at 937-743-3000. They are all being express over there from 8a-6p M-F and are a little hungover on Saturday with 9a-5p hours on Saturday. Just add an hour to that and you will be A-ok!

Ok – we all got our instructions? Annnnnnnd. . . .don’t let me die in your spam filter. . .GO!

-------------------

I totally thought I would end up in someone's spam filter or at the very least, get another notice about this mysterious credit reference - I did not! What a delightful success!

Here is the text of the email:

Hello Amanda.  A copy of your email below came to the Customer Service team today and we have since forwarded it to Penny who will get this “caboodle fixed up” right away.  Wow, thank you for getting involved!   

I just have to tell you much my team and I enjoyed your email.  We are still laughing after numerous reads! Your sense of humor wowed us and we all said “We love this gal!” The world needs more people like you!  Going forward, feel free to copy us on all your funny correspondence.  LOL       

And, if you are ever in southern Ohio, please stop by and make friends with 

How nice! I also got a response from the other company - go accurate spam filters:

Here is the text:

Dear Amanda,  

You've really got me laughing, thank you... And, my apologies for any inconveniences this may have caused you.  

You're obviously a real talent with a great sense of humor.  Your writing is extraordinary and you've put more effort into this credit app than the blokes at parts express. Haha.  

Please do visit us if ever in Nashville as I'd love to meet you in person and enjoy a cold beer together. Certainly it would be my honor.  

I will do my best to keep "penny" from faxing your line any more.  

Kind regards

I'm no James Veitch, but I think I made some new friends. And helped the economy. I'm like a hero. 

5 Things No One Told Me About Fostering Kittens

Kittens eat a lot. No, they eat A LOT

I would say on a normal day, a healthy growing kitten eats about two large cans of cat food. That's ONE kitten. Two cans per kitten. Plus dry food, which I keep out all day. 

And treats. 

And like part of your couch. Probably some hair ties. Probably a wicker basket and like two fake plants.

This means, a group of four kittens will be eating at least 8 cans of cat food a day. Sometimes I put down extra food and they eat that. There is no obesity crisis in the fostering kitten world and you should never deny a kitten food because you cannot overfeed them. 

You can only stare in wonder and keep buying more and more food.

2. Fostering is tax deductible!

That’s right! Since 2004, if the rescue you are working for is a 501(c)(3) not-for-profit organization, you can write-off cat fostering expenses. 

Items such as food, medicines, vet bills and supplies can be tax deductible.

If there's a room in your home solely dedicated to the care of fostering cats, you can claim a portion of your household utilities, as well. Save your receipts if you are paying for your fosters out of your own pocket!

3. It’s a little gross – ok a lot gross

Kittens brought in from bad conditions are going to have gross problems. If you are hoping for tiny, well-behaved love-balls, you’re in for a I’m-not-sure-of-that-poop-or-vomit wake-up call. Sometimes stuff just shoots out of their butts (like tapeworm segments) or appears on their head (like ringworm). 

You will be cleaning a variety of material from carpets and walls and probably finding hidden substance mixed with the food they tracked all over after they toppled their food bowls and rolled in it.

You will probably see worms in their butts or skin conditions like ringworm. You will see eye junk, nose gunk, cuts and more! 

4. It is unpredictable

I was going to take two kittens and six kittens were delivered. I was going to foster for two weeks and two months later, I still had a batch of kittens. 

I had to cancel plans to deliver a sickly kitten into the advanced care of another rescuer who I never didn't know...and met in a dark alleyway one night. I delivered kittens to potential adopters and about an hour later, these people were denied on the spot because something was “off” about them.

There is a lot of things that can happen when you foster that you probably can’t really plan for. It’s not because someone is after you or doesn’t appreciate you, it’s because this is what is needed. It’s unpredictable because – well, see 5.

5. It was NEVER about you

If you are trying to cram your house with more kittens than you can support (or that those living with you can handle) because life is cruel – reevaluate. If you are not making their situation better and maintaining your own healthy and happy situation, this is not for you.

If you are fostering to feel love or to teach your children something - reevaluate. These are not furry life-affirming-lessons which spread fun and easy sparkle-dreams. They are living creatures in need who have had a tough and rough start. Some of them are going to hate you so hard...

If you have an expectation of getting something in return, some reward or praise or rights to another life after you give your money, time and space - reevaluate. It is rare you get follow-up stories or get thanks or some type of parade. The goal is to get these kittens to their forever homes - not get a reward.

I have been bitten, scratched, got ringworm, had furniture and carpets ruined, been awake all night, smelled like sulfur for days, crammed pills and potions down tiny throats while they cried and been made fun of by friends and coworkers. I have canceled fun plans, made hard decisions and HATED everything at times.

It’s ok, though, because fostering is not about me. It’s about getting these animals healthy, trained and off to their forever homes. The reward is when they leave your care to a vetted and loving home.

Friendship for Hypothetical Reasons

One day, my roommate, let’s call her Wanda, brought over two friends she met through her classes – I don’t remember either of their names. I was never really great friends with any of them, either... but they seemed cool. I’m sure if we had more interactions, we would have been better friends.

Or worse. Let’s not get too optimistic.

One was a blond, I believe. Very German looking girl with a musical voice and quick smile. The other was a thin, brown haired boy with shifty eyes and quick, dark humor. That’s what I remember about them.

It was some point in which the four of us where hanging out. Probably had lunch or something. I think I mentioned that the new center they built looked a lot like something out of a level in Jedi Knight or Doom or something and I felt the need to carry a blaster or something.

German: I wouldn’t go around saying that! People will think you are going to do something bad.

Maddie: I would never – if you played the game, you’d see what I mean.

Boy: There’s not even enough people in the center to make it worthwhile.

Wanda: When I walked into class the first day, I saw you sitting in the back and I thought, that’s the guy who is going to get a gun and shoot everyone one day. I’m going to be his friend so he won’t shoot me.

And we all laughed.

And laughed.

And thought about it…and laughed more awkwardly.

So…anyhow, the point is, I always think about that in the wake of shootings or crimes, both great and small. I think about how we are in disbelief, we are angry, we are hurt, we are questioning something about others and laws and ethics and mental stability. We throw our hypothetical hands in the air and scream “why” and denounce whatever is convenient and bigger than us.

Then we quote Fred Rogers – look for the helpers. We try to become helpers and do become helpers through our donations of time, blood or acknowledgement. We try to remember the names for a week or so…then…since these situations are not about us, actually, we move onto what is about us in our own worlds which are untouched and unbroken. Or are at least easy to heal.

I do not know what makes someone want to do these things – like shooting into crowds of people. I don’t know what arrangement of life situations and circumstance make people do these things. I’m sure it is a great variety of things. If I try to think what would make me think that way, it would be a very long and dark journey - or something out of science fiction.

I have to think at some point – this person’s entire life told them that this action was the solution to a problem or an answer to an out-of-control situation. We can argue it is hate, intolerance, mental illness or anything – we can shut everything down and argue about things that probably never will be proven.

One of the truths - at some point, this person's entire life led them to a point where this was a solution or answer.

I wonder what would make me feel that the only choice in my life is to kill a mass number of people I don’t even know.

Is that empathy?

I think it would take a lot. A very much a lot. More than I ever think I would know that I could have - that’s my best English.

What swirls in the shadows of my mind is the phrase: “I’m going to be his friend…”

I'm going to be his friend.

I think – what if he was going to do something like shoot up the classroom. Would that single action and commitment prevent it?

Could it prevent something?

Has it?

It would never be reported – the friend who stopped another friend either proactively or subliminally from doing something really devastating. Because the devastation wouldn’t happen and only in devastation can there be creation; creation of money or enterprises or purpose or laws, even.

No headline would read: Person states at one point it felt like mass killing was the only answer and now feels like there are better options worth pursuing like adopting a kitten or getting a master’s degree

You’ll never read that.

When we look for the helpers, it is in the moment of most public destruction. Not the quiet peace and restoration of love. The helpers are there in these single moments as unseen as a heartbeat.

This concept of giving people options when they want to do harm to themselves or others - options through friendship and relationships seems far-fetched, it seems like it has a high rate of failure – humans are more complicated than that. To say attackers are unattached to any social fabric or mentally distorted, to say all of them are happily unloved and happy in destruction or are just created shadows with no reflection in hallway mirrors – is not always right.

Maybe, if enough of us took the time and shared as much of ourselves as we reached out to others – people like Wanda, the German or me – maybe one of us would notice something or provided something that could change the future of someone’s life.

Or a mass of people's lives. 

Because of this interaction in my life, I always think about the attacker for a moment and say to the universe:

I am so sorry that everything in your life led to the moment when this option was the right option for you. I’m sorry these thoughts and these plans never touched soundboard that could make this plan one of a million better options. I am so sorry no one was able to reach you, to comfort you, to talk with you in a constructive way to bring out better solutions. I am sorry that the depth and length of love around you could not comfort you. This was not the outcome anyone wanted for you or anyone else. From this moment on, the future will be able making the broken pieces of this stronger.

And then, I look to the helpers who in those moments of life-and-death choose to save. They work to rescue and restore what had been lost for no reason than something horrible happened and they can be the reflection of the good that surrounds that horrible action.

I wish I could sit next to someone the way Wanda did and say: “I’m going to be your friend…” and literally become the type of friend that is exactly what is needed. That I became the helper than no one saw because I didn't love only when it was easy but when it was most needed.

What I can do is tell a story.

Project Halloween: I’m Mouthy

What’s happening with Halloween? I’m building a mouth. So, I was like…I’ll get a couple pints….

Of latex.

That joke was not as funny as I thought it would be but I’m goin’ leave it.

I never used liquid latex before. It’s actually super cool and easy. It would be even cooler with I had some type of hand-art thing. You know, people who draw or paint or can build stuff – I’m not good at that. I am good at coming up with the ideas, but, not so good at building stuff.

Anyhow, I needed to build a mouth with huge teeth. Nom nom nom! I decided the best “teeth” material would be fake nails. Thanks, Amazon prime!

Now, if I was artistic, I would move beyond just painting the tips with Essie Bordeaux and calling it a day.

Artists: I started with a cream-peach base and added some yellow for depth and dimension. I used black by the gum line…
Me: HOW LONG HAS THIS PORK CHOP BEEN IN MY HAIR?!

I thought I was a super master of design by painting the top AND bottom of the nail. I rewarded myself with vodka.

First Concepts
I was going to build the mouth directly on my face.

No. I don’t have that kind of time to do every time I need to do a test run.

First Mouth
Originally, my inspiration was the mouth of a lamprey which is circular. I got a lot of cotton balls and spent some type building layers of cotton into a mouth and sticking the teeth into it.

Then I earned my face is not flat to hold the thing. I also ran out of face real estate. I am not sure how big my face is, but, to be fair, I don’t really see it that often. I’m behind it.

After building it, I noticed it was looking a little dried out…sad-ish. So, my friend…let’s call him Niall, who is really good at this stuff, told me to seal it with Mod Page. Wait. Modge Podge.

Of course I got the wrong kind! I got the photo transfer type and I needed the..glue type?

Lessons were learned.

Second Mouth
My second mouth I figured I would be more like a…uhh…football shaped. Like a mouth. I can’t eat food so it didn’t matter of I could eat.

I also learned rather than just building it of all cotton, I could make a “jaw bone” out of aluminum foil. Also, I could add foundation to the liquid latex and make it “flesh colored” so I wouldn’t have to paint it later.

Because…who am I kidding?

I did get the correct Modge Podge and was really happy with the seal.

Second-ish Mouth
Niall asked me why I didn’t make it two pieces so I could open my mouth. You know...like a normal creature.

So I cut the second mouth into two pieces and built a little bit of a connector. This mouth is HUGE. Like…sticking out. I thought it was a good size for my face, so, now I know I have a smaller face.

I also learned from my previous skin test to use liquid latex and not spirit gum. I had my doubts with the size of these two fake jaws, but, sh** works like a charm!

Third Mouth
Right, so, the mouth I have works and is huge. So, I thought I would make a more refined mouth.

This mouth…well…had potential. I don't have the fine art skills...so...this is a work in progress. I think it made it to long for my face, the jaw part but, I needed that space for glue.

So, this is about where I am right now in my first ever mouth...design. Horror mouth. Mmm.

Also, liquid latex stinks.

Words I Cannot Spell

I could never spell. I am not a good speller. I'm such a bad speller my parents bought me Hooked on Phonics and told this elaborate story that we were "holding" it for someone else and if I wanted to see what it was, I could for like two weeks or something. So, I went through all the tapes.

BEFORE that, my parents got me the earliest of the spellcheckers - wide calculator looking things you typed your letters into and it would search a dictionary to try to figure out what you wanted to spell.

I had a lot of words in my head, I just didn't have the ability to spell them. To this day, I am not sure how things go together. I know sometimes how they should look but I often cannot read words I haven't seen before (or names) and certain cannot spell. Thankfully, there is spell check.

In studying etymology in some attempt to learn what comes easier to others - I learned French is valuable and anything from French is jacked. Bardor? No bordeaux.

WTF IS THAT FRENCH?!

As I got older and with spellcheck, I learned errors fall into mental and physical categories. I either lack the mental ability to spell through mild dyslexia or just general incompetence or I just hit the wrong buttons on the keyboard in the wrong order.

These are words I have never spelled correctly and tend to have to use.

• Assorize
• Acccustic 
• Alluminin 
• Abilty 
• Beggining
• Cinnomen
• Carbeaan
• Catagoy
• Diahreeah 
• Demeiton
• Definately
• Disiapear
• Eptomology 
• Eaiser
• Exteral
• Feiance
• Gazibo
• Habdashery
• Incrediable
• Incompetece 
• Jem
• Kabootle
• Lemenchello
• License (or is it licence?)
• Magistic
• Mantenance
• Nebluous
• Orignally
• Possium
• Quiet or quite mess-up
• Realise
• Spegitte
• Stratigy
• Triganomatry
• Unilatteral
• Validictorian
• Wassel or wassiel?
• X..all words 
• Y - I ask myself this all the time
• Zenophobia.

I'm not even going to list words I am not sure how to spell based on...like..whatever. Like what does "choose" vs "chose" or "choosen"..."chosen"...is that a word? IDK...

But I can READ stuff just fine.

The Time I Won An Award And Proved This Is Who I Am

I am not a “winner.”

I’m actually just one of those filler characters in life who do nothing important or inspirational but offers enough support to be worthwhile as a work-horse.

It's ok because people invite me to those Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) parties all the time and I immediately think less of them.

Them: I'm having a Mary Kay/Pampered Chef/doTerra/Emotional Unstable/Makeup/Poopy Fest party! You should come, it will be SO much fun!
Maddie: No

Like WTF...stop.

The important theme in this story is the ongoing failure that punctuates the perpetual effort that makes up the inter-workings of my existence. Some failure is by choice. Other by accident.

It was October 2016.

October is one of my favorite months. It's crunchy and cool. Number wise, it's the 10th month and while I hate circles, I am a fan of the number 10. October also contains Halloween. I was married in October...

So, right, October 2016.

This specific year my entire national team was brought together for a couple days of personal and professional development. I have learned this means lecture. Lots and lots of lecture. Lots and lots of lecture with some "close your eyes" instructions.

My father taught me to keep my back to the wall and not to close my eyes in public places (you can read about him in the post That Time My Dad Defined My Entire Educational Career With A Briefcase)

If you know anything about me, you know I am not actually developed. I'm more of a deconstructor than a developer. I don't like the pink-cloud, I don't like to avoid tough stuff and I don't like to waste people's time when I can use that time to make things better WITH them.

Manager: So, some feedback for you, an opportunity for you growth. Some people have suggested you stop calling their ideas stupid.
Maddie: This feedback is stupid.

Anyhow, the last night of our gathering from across the US, we have this nice dinner and we’re all there exhausted. The senior vice-president is there, so, there’s a lot of making sure ties aren’t crooked and best behavior is being shown.

I sit in the way back.

So, speeches start and awards are being given out. That's part of the company culture - nice night out and awards are given.

Now, in my company, one of the things they do for theatrical effect is to never announce the name of the person until the very end of the "why this person is great" speech. In fact, one of my favorite games is catching pronouns while the speaker does their best to not use them or stumbles on how to use them.

Once a "he" or "she" is thrown down, you can start eliminating victims, though. Sometimes people throw in a "this teammate" or the modern re-engineering of "they" as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

Fun fact: The English language, while considered a gender-neutral language, contains no epicene (gender-neutral) singular pronouns. Finnish is the only language with only gender-neutral pronouns.

So our senior director gets up to talk and present some new award. Fantastic. I black-out.

It's not a true black-out. I had those. A black-out is when you just are suddenly in the future with no memory of time. I think what I normally experience is a very intense not paying attention. I got a lot of stuff in my head and I think sometimes my brain just short circuits and shuts out the incoming stimuli while still keeping time.

Who cares?

I'm doing what I'm doing - I pick a spot and track that spot - people who have no brain activity do it. That’s a theater trick, too. You always look at whoever is speaking to both show you are paying attention, to keep attention off of you, and to spotlight the person talking for the general audience.

And then something is said about pens.

And I think “I like pens.” I’m thinking to myself, "who else on this goddamn team likes pens? No one likes pens more than me! I single-handily saved this goddamn department from ballpoint pens.Why is my pen liking looked at as weird while the person getting this award is all like 'wow, this person can find you the perfect pen?' What a sack of baloney and cheese!"

Director: Teammate of the Year is Amanda!

Everyone is clapping and standing up.

Maddie Thought:. . .so, are pens cool or not cool?
Brain: Oh f**k, you just won an award. I have no procedures for this. Better walk up there. You made a poor decision with this pencil skirt. You gained about 20lbs in your butt directly. I'm going to make sure you don't run into anything but you are totally on your own. Wait, wait, don't set the expectation too high - this is a vote-y award. That means people voted for you. You better let them know who they elected here. Remember that one time you were nominated to be the theater club's president? Can you recycle that speech? (Check out The Time I Was Nominated To Be President)
Maddie Thought: No.
Brain: Fiddlesticks. Ok, go with brutal honesty. THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE!
Maddie Thought: Will do!

I stand in front of this LONG table filled with thousands of people with eyes tracking me and probably paying attention. There are people who make a lot of money and have big offices which make them better than me by common procedural standards...I have one chance...

I wanted to explain that I don't think I am anything great or inspirational to anyone, I'm just trying to be the best I can because I am surrounded by so many people who are awesome and talented and will go places and do amazing things! From a very young age, I have been told I am not smart, not good enough, committed enough, likable enough, not social enough, not mindful enough, not trained enough, not normal enough - and everyday I work as hard as I can to make sure no one else ever feels like that because of their mistakes or because we're all a little different in what we like, what we do, what we struggle with and how we deal with life. I wanted to say that I am only who I am because of who I work with - so this award is a reflection of the group, not of me.

As a first time award winner of anything based on my personality at 36 - what did I say?

Maddie: I failed kindergarten.

Everyone laughs.

Anyhow, I said other stuff about being grateful and I was, honestly, mostly speechless. I did not black out which would have been nice. I also black out when I am doing stuff. It's great. I managed to say someone needed to come stop me from talking - because I suck. So, that helped.

No, the story goes on!

About 23 hours later, while getting the box with the award out of the backseat of my car, it fell out of the box and broke into about 1000 shards. It broke right across my name so there was no way to even glue it together.

I curled up in bed for a while because that was devastating. And I HATE being in bed when it is not sleepy-bed-time.

Later, I tell my manager about the 23 hour life expectancy of the award. She laughs and says she will talk to our director about maybe ordering another one. Later I talked to my director about it.

Director: Hello, Teammate of the Year!
Maddie: Hi. I'm sure you have heard by now...
Director: What?
Maddie: I broke the award about 23 hours after getting it.
Director: *laughs*

Many moons later

Director: I thought you were joking, wait, you REALLY broke it?
Maddie: You think out of all the things I would joke about THAT would be it? Interesting.

Nope, this is who I am. Breaker of the things that are mostly my own heart and peoples expectations.

I got duplicate sent to me and I have not touched it. In fact, it was mailed directly to a coworker so I didn’t have to touch it and risk breaking it. It sits at work at my desk free of my fingerprints.

And THAT people, is how I got an award and swiftly proved who I was.

The Calpurnia Mission: Chapter 3: Between Life and Dark

This chapter is the first time the siblings travel into an unknown realm to retrieve a key, as it is their assignment from Fairscourt who they stole the keys from. He makes a deal that if Calpurnia brings back all the keys which were distributed to all the other people trapped in Delvion, he won't turn them over or in for punishment.

And so..it begins.

This world is darkness – and anything that the dark touches is torn apart by monsters. The only safe place is in the halo of light. This is where the siblings meet the first of the people they sentenced to this life – and the consequences.

Between Life and Dark
Yep. I'm super good at naming chapters. If only it was my full time job.

This story was totally inspired by Alan Wake. However, there is no fighting or anything. Just that light-dark type concept. I found this story fairly easy to write because it had a pretty easy and common arch to it. Arrival, discovery, journey, negotiation and return. I needed this story to set up future moral problems and to give the characters something to build into.

I still needed this story to help set up how the keys work and how people lived in this world and what the remains of that would look like.

I gotta talk about Derko!

Derko
Derko is Calpurnia’s older brother. I write of him: Black hair, very bright-light blue eyes. Sharp features but friendly expression. He is lean but broad shouldered. Probably 6’0. Derko is often referred to by others as being handsome, some of this is due to his very bright eyes and some due to his more charming and outgoing personality.

Derko could be considered Calpurnia’s polar opposite – but the two are more alike than meets the eye.

They are siblings, they were raised in the same environment making them having very similar traits or ideas. I tried to be as aware of this as I could. It made some things easier, like I didn't have to explain out their relationship or build it up, it was pre-existing. It made other things harder, like linking core beliefs and how they cope and view their choices.

Derko is perpetual motion. He fills silence with words and is almost always doing something. He is open and emotional and somehow finds the silver lining in almost everything. He had a wonderful sense of humor, even when his jokes fall flat. He can connect with people easily and people tend to like him back.

I made Derko different than most stereotypical "older brothers" or knight-in-shinning-armor types in his total and absolute belief in Calpurnia. A trait that is echoed through all his relationships but never more concentrated than with his sister. He is so proud to be an older brother and his faith in Calpurnia is unshakable and he never, ever fights her battles without her permission or controls her as a sexual or totally independent person.

During dark times, he calmly tells Calpurnia she can get them out of it. In public, he sides with her even if he might believe she is wrong - and that's who he is - he sides with her, he does not direct her.  This is a key mark of their relationship.

I built into him luck – he is lucky, one of those people who has things go their way at odd times. This tends to be because he is so open, is always working and is generally positive. He has some magic to him - he possesses eidetic memory for written words and images – although, I made sure to consult silence on this trait – he is not always 100% accurate but accurate enough in most cases.

Derko, for all his adult-ness, is an innocent, he's one of the good guys and as a good guy, he takes a lot of hits. In essence, he wears his heart on his sleeve – his mood and thoughts are mostly always known and he does not keep new secrets well.

What he hides mostly is his own pain which are caught in the silence and stillness he is running from.

Derko has clear problems with authority of for those he believes is trying to control him. While he has such potential to learn and be guided, he tends to have some barriers up. If he believes you are an enemy, it's hard for him to soften. If you are friend, it's hard for him to harden.

He is volatile, impulsive, arrogant...He can be foul mouth, aggressive and antagonistic. He can explode in rage or excitement with equal and disastrous force.

The most upsetting thing about Derko is that he is a natural leader and very gifted and he does not see it or he throws it away.

What I Learned
No one is ever what they seem.

Writing Derko is exhausting. I find the words I take away from Calpurnia spawn 10-fold in Derko. I always have to keep an eye on him when he is around – he is always moving, talking, grunting, huffing.

I spent a lot of time trying to make him funny and make his jokes funny and then I learned he's not always funny, he is just always trying to be funny and crack a joke. Making Derko's jokes "bad" makes him as funny as when he lands a humdinger of a joke.

In order to give him credibility, I built in very soft moments that displays his self-doubt. For Calpurnia, he tries to be as strong and fearless and optimistic as possible. Sometimes, he doesn't quite feel that way. His internal narrative is that he is a hero on a hero's quest and as the hero, he will always triumph through the bad times.

Throughout this collection of stories, there is a shift in Derko from a wild-child to someone who is a leader and a good friend. But keeping him positive in the face of betrayal and beatings was difficult. How do you keep someone upbeat ALL the time while still keeping them as a creditable and strong character? Instead of hiding his hurts, I found places he could display them.

Derko is my comic relief. He is loveable, making his flaws and weaknesses more forgivble. He is lost potential, unhealable saddnesses mixed with humor and a need to be type of heroic he cannot define. In the fabic of who he is, he both isolates and connects.

Calpurnia nails Derko best by saying “I wear my darkness on the outside, he wears his on the inside.”

Key Rules of Derko
Derko follows the follow list:

• He tries to protect, help, save and support anyone in trouble
• When things are bleak as a way to pump himself up - he will claim it is only a "hero's struggle"
• He curses frequently – but almost never in front of Calpurnia
• He gets aggressive easily at preserved threats
• He is a show-off
• He has the same black hair and traits of Calpurnia, but most people do not think they are siblings
• He's probably hungry
• He says a LOT of words – often run-on sentences, messy thoughts and over-talks his points. It gets worse when he is stressed
• He is a pacer – when thinking or agitated, he will pace in a specific formation
• When really upset, Derko plays with his hair, running his hand through it
• He is not a bad fighter and he can also take a hit
• He never stops believing in the good of people – at least, not for long
• He uses nicknames – Calpurnia is Cally, Schuylar is Sky, Rebelein is Reb. 
• He will get angry if someone attacks Calpunria, even if she is in the wrong
• If children are involved in a situation, Derko will do anything to protect them
• If he can make a pun about it, he will. Even if it is not funny. Derko’s humor is as much an attempt as it is a success

Fin
If you have questions about them or The Calpurnia Mission you can email me at StoriesbyMaddie at gmail or TheCalpurniaMission at gmail.

What? I like gmail.