The Sexy-Time Cake Story

I was dating this guy – let’s call him Boguslav Nikola – and we were dating for a while. I mean, I think I dated him for three or four years. He was supposed to be a one-night stand but...that’s a story for another time.

It happened to be my birthday weekend. Between work and school and all that, we had a small party with my parents where a double-decker chocolate cake was homemade by my Mom and was in my fridge of my apartment. We had gone out to dinner and had cake at my apartment - just so you have a concept of how hard I party.

And the apartment was the haunted one, yes (Read about it: The Time My Apartment Was Haunted)

Now, I worked three jobs and freelanced while going to school full-time. You'd think all that would have made me successful or rich or smart, alas - here I am. It did mean I was normally up and out the door around 4:30am and didn’t walk back into into the apartment until 8pm at night, so, the dinner was smashed in there as my only "celebration" for my birthday. 

I had some free time that weekend, though. Since it's August, I didn't have as much going on. I thought this would be perfect for some cool, sexy, rar-rar, hubba-hubby couple time. Right?

I was going to put in some effort into it. REAL effort.

I was going to make the neighbors call the cops type...grrr, squeek-sweek, sexy-groan, nom-nom, rar-rar, bang, chicken cluck, motorized drill, bubble wrap...

...You get the idea.

I got my sexiest sexy sex-kitten lingerie on. I had a sexy corset that was strapless and all lusty-red and black. I had these impractical underwear, too. I struggled into some sexy fishnet thigh-highs with red bows on them - apparently, the sexy-fishnet stocking industry thinks someone with my calf size has really small thighs so it's always a little struggle to get into them or to keep them from falling down. I even had a silk sexy sexy-time robe to sort of hide the kabootle like some type of cross-dressing samurai. 

I shaved, too. Without cutting myself. I even had glitter and smell-good on. I was ready to rock and roll. 

MM!

I draped myself with alluring ease across my couch so I would be the first thing he would see when he walked into the living room. This was a little complicated because when I laid on my side, I had to fix my boobs a lot because the corset was not really for support or anything practical. The couch was also a little droopy and I had to flip the couch cushions to get a little more support so my body wasn’t on a downward angle. Then I had to make sure the robe was laying right.

Look, this is all very hard to do in a corset. And this was a back-closure corset. You normally need another person to help you get into those things and I did it all by myself. I probably had rope burn from it.

So, I turned on the TV and waited for my man to arrive for hot sexy sex-sex horn-dog birthday fun time. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face. 

In comes Boguslav Nikola!

Maddie: Lock the door, baby.

Boguslav Nikola: Ok. Done. Sorry I'm late, there was an...oh wow. You look great.

Maddie: Oh, this old thing? Do you like it?

Boguslav Nikola: Yeah, wow. Yeah, that's so hot. it’s really hot.

Maddie:…mmmm...

Boguslav Nikola: Hey, is there cake?

I mean, I down with it. Whipped cream, icing, cake – sure! Fuzzy handcuffs, Skittles, Sabre Dance - by Aram Khachaturian in the background...whatever, man. Let's get this birthday sexy time goin'! Yeah!

Maddie: Yeah, baby. In the fridge.

Boguslav Nikola: Cool

Boguslav Nikola proceeds to take out the cake and get a fork and sit in front of the TV to watch the Simpsons while I am there all being all sexy sex-kitten. Boguslav Nikola had basically been presented with both lust and gluttony – willing sex-kitten and chocolate cake. He picked the cake.

He picked CAKE.

So, about an hour later, I head to bed because I have to get up at 4:30am. Boguslav Nikola gets up seeing me getting up...

Boguslav Nikola: Hey, babe, where you goin'?

Maddie: I’m going to bed

Boguslav Nikola: What about, you know…

Maddie: …

Boguslav Nikola: Come on, baby. Why are you going to get all dressed up and then say we can’t do anything?

Maddie: …cake. You picked cake. I’ve been sitting here for an hour while you've been eating cake.

Boguslav Nikola:…I didn't pick cake, I was just like, I was going to and I didn't know if you were up for it and I mean, that was a good episode of the Simpsons and your Mom's cake is really, really good so I was...you know...waiting to see when you wanted to...

Maddie:…

Boguslav Nikola: I f**ked up, didn't I?

Maddie:....

As I un-hitched, decluttered and unpainted myself and snuggled into bed. Boguslav Nikola peeks in.

Boguslav Nikola:…don’t tell anyone about this, ok?

Maddie: ...

...Na.

And that is one of many times I proved that I cannot give it away.