The Time I Went Casket Shopping

Back in the day, I was trying to be useful by getting all my funeral stuff down. So, one lunch break, I went coffin shopping. I mean, it's good to be prepared...

Friend: What are you doing?

Maddie: Looking at caskets.

Friend: Why are you looking at caskets?

Maddie: No reason.

Full nondisclosure, it wasn't for "no reason." I had been planning my funeral so if I did die it would be easier on people. Most people are not exactly into doing that, so, it's more normal to claim I'm whimsical than in a bad situation.

Maddie: Ooo, this is a nice one. $900 bucks! Dark brown, light copper finish. Oh crap, it has those creepy praying hands on the inner lid. I don't want to be looking at that.

Friend: First, you'd be dead. Second, you are being creepy.

Maddie: Look at it.

Friend: I mean, it is a cool looking casket. What about the purple one?

Maddie: I hate that flower detailing. Plus, it's over $1000.

Friend: You only die once.

Maddie: True. Also, since the odds of me getting married are slim to none, I'm sure I could spend any wedding dress budget on a casket.

Friend: How much is a wedding dress.

Maddie: Let's say, low-end, $2000?

Friend: That's a lot.

Wedding can be expensiveness, so are those dresses. Now that I survived a wedding, I can say I'm so glad I will never have to go through that again. I wish I could not have gone through it at all.

Maddie: What's with these flower detailing? Urg. It's like an old person's home.

Friend: Old people are the largest consumers of caskets.

Maddie: Ooo. How about an urn? This one comes with a stylish display box. And this one has six min-urns in one display box. Would six people want my ashes?

Friend: These are a four-pack.

Maddie: And an oversized one. Hm. Do you think if I got really fat I'd need an oversized one?

Friend: I think humans are like 80% water. Oversized urn people have got to be showing off. Do you want to be cremated?

Men generally produce more ash than women do because their bones are denser. The body fat is all consumed during the cremation process. The amount of ashes that remain after a body is cremated is around 1-2 pounds

Maddie: I could get this six-pack urn set, right, and then auction each off. Also, I think by the time I am dead, whatever the living want to do with me is fine. Maybe I could donate my body to science.

Friend: You'd probably be dissected by some med student. Hey, here's one with the American flag.

Maddie: I do like America.

Friend: It says, "In fact, at an average cost of $2,400, a funeral may be the third most expensive consumer purchase after a home and a car."

Maddie: Maybe they have a used casket/urn section. . .

Friend: Yeah, I don't think so.

Maddie: This selection is sort of a let-down.

Friend: This conversation is a sort of let-down.

Maddie: OMG. Urns that are pendants! You can wear me.

Friend: Uh

Maddie: OMG, you can put the ashes in a pendent and wear them like a charm bracelet.

Friend: Mm.

Maddie: Earrings.

Friend: no.

Maddie: I don't have pierced ears. Ooo. An hourglass urn! I could be useful even in death! I hope I get to haunt something.

Friend: Really?

Maddie: Or get turned into a diamond. Yeeeeah. Years from now, some poor guys is going to be like, "Marry me Jane" and it's a diamond of my ashes. Bwhahahaha.

Friend: Unique, as always.

Maddie: Ok, back to work.

So, if you want to have some fun, plan your funeral. There are a lot of options out there.