The Birthday Thing

I hate my birthday. I really do. I’m not a big fan. I sort of white-knuckle through it with all the passion of someone who just felt the esthetician do a final rub of the cloth strap stuck to your bikini area..

That is what my birthday feels like to me.

Other than I never had my bikini area waxed so my emotional metaphors are all hypothetical - unlike my bikini hair.

Something about singing a weird song that's not in strophic form and setting food on fire. Come on, that’s weird.

I dislike the attention of people being all wide-eyed at me or the stereotypical "you're a woman so you look 25 LOLZ" which is BS. I almost didn't make it to my 27th birthday so having a couple more is nice. But if I try to tell people that, I have ruined the moment by talking about the D word and that's sad.

Also, I can't eat the cake and the whole event just reminds me how I'm not normal.

Birthday remind me I am not normal.

[Gestures wildly]

What I do every year to combat my negative energy over these cultural traditions I don't understand and always get wrong is to create my own tradition.

My first attempt was in 2007, I almost died and lost a lot of my memories. I asked people to send me autographed photos of themselves so I could frame them and put them in my den. Like when people make walls of celebrities and memorabilia. It would be a floor-to-ceiling black-and-white glossy 8x11 photos of everyone I knew. Then I wouldn't forget them - I could look at them and remember that these are the people in my life.

I never got any so I gave up on the request a few years later.

My next attempt I figure needed to be smaller and less based on other people. I heard there was this Jewish tradition that you should always give money to someone when you are on a business trip or entering into a new venture because then the endeavor would be blessed with good intentions.

I have no idea if any of that is true - but I liked the concept of good deeds.

I didn't have a lot of money and I had no energy. I knew I couldn't change someone's life. I was merely alive and trudging through existence. After a lot of running around in my mind, I decided I could donate a dollar for every year and maybe that would be some type of good deed to kick off my year.

If I can be lucky enough to have a birthday, I should have the privilege of providing some token to the world of which I stank up.

I try to ask people what they are donating to or care about in order to get people thinking about what they can do to make the world better with their time or cold, hard cash, and support those who are in various stages of need. It also gives me perspective on what matters outside of my own thoughts and circles.

This year, I donated to American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I also will hopefully be walking in the Out of the Darkness Philadelphia Walk

If you are in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

So, no story today while I do what I am doing. Just a simple quote:

Jack London: A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.

That Time I Put the Fun in Fungus

That time I got that rash thing - it actually was right where a horsefly bit me, so, I assumed that's what it was. Then it exploded so I decided to have some fun with it.

If you are going to have some weird disfigurement, why not have fun with it? Right? Here is the list of things I tried to "convince" people I had.

It was a vaccine gone wrong!

It's the mark of Satan - I'm a witch.

Cigar burn. I live dangerously.

Supernumerary nipple - supernumerary nipples are diagnosed in humans at a rate of approximately 1 in 8,000 people

Lab experiment accident...meth lab

Hipster tattoo of the sun over arrows.

I'm turning into pizza. Slowly turning into pizza.

It's all that's left of the twin I consumed in utero.

Firework accident.

It's the real Eye of Sauron.

Brown recluse spider bite.

And at the end of the day, it was actually...

Ended up being ringworm or Dermatophytosis if you think the word "ringworm" sounds gross.

I got it from one of the cats when I was cleaning cages and feeding and whatnot. You can pick up this common fungal infection anywhere - most commonly in lockers when you get Athlete's Foot

Things I Have Pulled Out of My Couch

I have this purple couch, the only one I ever had, so it's old. This is amount of things I have pulled out of it:

• Apricot pit
• Apron
• Barrette
• Books
• Bra
• Bullets
• Buttons
• Candy
• Candy wrappers
• Cat toys
• Cell phones
• Chicken bones
• Chopsticks
• Coasters
• Dimes
• Drivers licenses
• DVD remote
• DVDs
• Earrings
• Flask
• Fork
• Hair pins
• Hairballs (created by my hair)
• Hairballs (created by other mammals)
• Hand lotion bottle
• Handcuffs
• Horseshoe
• Kittens
• Map of France
• Matchbox
• Necklaces
• Nickels
• Pennies
• Pens
• Popcorn
• Pork chop
• Potato chips
• Quarters
• Rats
• Ribbon
• Seed packet
• Shirts
• Snow globe
• Socks
• Stuffed animals
• Sweater
• Tank tops
• Tapeworm segments
• TV remote control
• Underwear

The Development of the Emergency Friend and Brainstorming Death Scenarios

One thing I dealt with longer than most people I know - which is, granted, not a lot - is living completely on my own without a roommate. I never lived with anyone after my junior year in college, and I also pretty much lived alone my freshman year of college because my assigned roommate moved out. Then again, like, three of my friends piled in. . .soo...

Right.

Anyhow, most of my friends were living with their life-mates or roommate or whatever. They weren't alone as much as I was alone. Being alone isn't bad it just presents certain problems when it comes to life and death, let's say.

My friend, we'll call him Maximus McThunderfart, use to text me when he was going on a date and where he would be and at the end of the night he would text me he was still alive. Or my job was to text him the next morning to make sure he was still alive.

Same for me - I would let him know where I was going and with who. It was nice because there wasn't judgement or questions being asked about it.

Then we talked about how long it would actually take someone to find our bodies if we died. Like just randomly. The scenario was something like this:

Without having a scheduled day off or holiday, if you died on a Friday after you got home from work, how long would it take someone to come find you?

And the answers were:

Max: Tuesday
Maddie: Monday night

I argued that people where I worked knew I could die and knew I kept a pretty strict schedule so they would automatically assume I was dead if I didn't show up exactly at 8am on Monday morning. They would probably call the police and probably by Monday night someone would have found my body. Police do "wellness checks" these days if you think someone might be in danger or dead, once that alarm is raised you'd assume you'd be found within 24 hours.  

Then we adjusted the perimeters to see how long we would be decomposing before someone noticed. Here is how it played out:

Removing family or work form the situation - how long would it take someone to call the police due to your dead body decomposing?
Max: I would only leave off the fresh, sweet smell of roasted garlic. Everyone would rejoice.
Maddie: My building is old and I live over a retail store. Assuming I died in my kitchen, I would eventually be dripping down the pipes and someone would call because that's not good for a retail environment. If I died in bed, there would be a higher material absorption. Let's say a week?

How long would it take someone to find you if you died right after Thanksgiving day knowing it's a four-day weekend?
Max: 5 days
Maddie: No, 0 days. Because Mystery Case Files (MCF) comes out the day after Thanksgiving and I would literally come back as a zombie to play it. Then I would have the un-dead decency to let someone know I was dead. After I played all the bonus content.

You are murdered on a date, how long until your body is found?
Max: I keep a file on everything I know about the people I see on my computer. When would you call the police?
Maddie: I would say, if I didn't get a text from you by the following morning, by high-noon I would head over to your place. However, I think you need to be missing for 48 hours as an able-bodied adult for the police to start looking if there was no suspicious circumstances surrounding your missing-ness. I would gather that evidence and re-trace you steps in the meantime. Oh, probably call hospitals to see if you were admitted because you ate a peanut or something.
Max: If you didn't reply, I would just call your Dad. He would take care of the situation.
Maddie: Question is bunk. I was raised by a secret agent. If someone did somehow manage to murder me, they would be doing it with one eyeball and less than 10 fingers. And, yes, then you should call my Dad.

After these conversations, we decided we would be each other's Emergency Friend. If we sent suspicious communication or something, we would each know what to do and where to go for information. From that point on, we checked in with each other if we hadn’t heard anything in 24 hours. If there was no response, it would be our duty to go find the body and bring anyone responsible for the death to justice.

More people should have an Emergency Friend. If someone isn't willing to go on a hunt for your dead body, are they really your friend?

Only you can answer that for yourself.

The Hypothetical Food Truck Riot

One day, I will document how much I hated planning a wedding. And it was my wedding. I’m not a "wedding" person but I bit the bullet and did the thing.

Yay. Weddings give me purpose as an ovary-dominate person

One evening, I was over at my parents having dinner and we were talking about weddings. Because why waste the time talking about interesting stuff when there's a wedding.

Background information you need to know - so far, my Mom had blown the budget. I mean, she blew my proposed budget about 2 seconds after I showed her how much money it would cost for certain things and how I was going to keep the cost down. We were a couple months in at this point..

It's cool. I’m not paying for it financially, only emotionally.

And emotions don’t count.

Here we are, my loving parents and me, sitting around the table and this conversation happened:

Dad: This spending is out of control for this wedding. Do you realize 50% of marriages end in divorce, this is a lot of money to invest in something that has a 50% failure rate. If that was an investment fund, you wouldn't invest in it.

My Dad makes strong points.

Maddie: I know. I was ok with eloping to Vegas and just getting the money you would spend on a wedding in cash. Non-sequential, unmarked bills, I might add.
Mom: We have the money, what are you worrying about? This is a celebration! How often does your only daughter get married.

She had a valid point. I would never get married again.

Dad: Remember Jerry Petievich’s daughter?
Maddie: *eating steak, doesn't care*
Dad: Jerry Petievich’s daughter got married, what, a couple months ago?
Mom: It was a very nice wedding.
Dad: ...he was telling us about it when we went to visit and he was saying how out of control this whole thing is. He was saying they had a food truck pull up to serve hamburgers and milkshakes at the end of the night. Can you believe that? Out of control what you can spend on these weddings. It's so much money just down the drain. Food trucks, can you believe that? Hey, how expensive would it be to get a food truck at your wedding?
Maddie: *eating steak, doesn't care*
Dad: How much would it be?
Maddie: I really have no idea.

As a side note, we punked my Dad like 500 times with this wedding thing. I would print out the most horrible pictures of wedding dresses and say that was the one I got or tell him it was like a million dollars a person. It was great.

Dad: Well, who is that caterer girl?
Mom: Monica. He name is Monica.
Dad: Get that Monica on the phone, ask her how much it would be to have a hamburger food truck. And a milkshake food truck. You can't have hamburger without milkshakes.
Maddie: *unsure if this is a trap* ...We don’t need a food truck, Dad. I don't want one or anything. I think we'll have enough food there.
Dad: You know what, we’re in Philadelphia. It should be a cheesesteak food truck.
Mom: Yes! Cheesesteaks and milkshakes at the end of the night. Great idea! How amazing would that be when people are leaving they can get cheesesteaks and milkshakes right there? I think that would be great.

I had finished my steak, so, I was pretty sure I was being punked.

Dad: How much would that cost? At the end of the night if these trucks pulled up.
Maddie: Look, Monica is busy. I’m not going to ask her to price something out for no reason.
Dad: Well, let’s see how much it is first.

(Name dropping that I know someone who knows Gerald Petievich who is an American crime writer. He was a United States Secret Service Special Agent from 1970-1985. The following films were made of his novels: To Live and Die in L.A., The Sentinel, and Boiling Point)

As a dutiful daughter, I emailed Monica - when I had to email her, I always called her a different name. It was rarely her own name:

Strawberry!!
Thanks so much for your help today. :) it was cool seeing your sassy shoes. Woo! Now, on to a NEW demand. (Bwhahahahah!!). My adorable father was like, "hey, how about a food truck to serve burgers/cheesesteaks and shakes at the end of the night?" He said a lot of other things, but, I was eating steak. Remember when it was summer yesterday? So - have you ever...had a food truck show up at a venue? Or does jscottcatering (of course, one word) have one of those? Like…in a pocket or something? The idea is as people are filtering out they can get a burger/shake and head on their way.

Monica replied:

Hi muffin!!
Yay!! Such a good morning my pleasure!!  Love where Dad’s head is at BUT I can of course can do you one better we have our custom made cheesesteak grill where we can actually make the cheesesteaks in front of everyone!!! We can always walk them around as will with shakes no problem … I can get pricing for you, let me know what you think about the cheesesteaks and I can look into the other as well! ~Monica

We weren’t done. I reported this back to my Dad. The price and how it would work out. A lot of conversation happened which I think it important to note. Due to those conversations, I had to draft and send this email:

I think my parents have two concerns - one, that some people will leave before the end so how do we tell how many people to order cheesesteak/milkshake for. Not the full guest list, right?  

Next, how do we prevent people from taking more than 1? I mean, obviously, if someone comes up and says, "I want 100 cheesesteaks and 500 milkshakes". . .you know. . .someone is going to laugh at them. I told my parents, I assume you guys got this stuff down to a science.  

Just to clarify - second major concern - heart attacks happening in the parking lot due to over-consumption of cheesesteaks. Riots also breakout, women’s stiletto shoes go flying as they scream, "This milkshake brought me to the yard, but, it's mine!" Someone else screams, "There's no more left! He got them all!" Car tires screech, dripping cheese on the road, while children lean out of the windows hurling milkshakes at anyone who tries to stop them. 911 is called, police confiscate the cheesesteak grill and it is said they are eating the supplies. Torches are lit and a group marches from Molly Maguire's, flags hoisted as they sing the battle cry of the People - a cheesesteak and milkshake for all! Helicopters circle the venue. . .the US, Russia, Ukraine and the European Union are brought in to negotiate. . . 

Pinterest THAT, sister. 

Monica replied twice – first email:

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I might need to save this email , by far the best one yet…I cant even process the question yet because I am crying laughing!
~Monica

So, production got stopped a little until she got to send the  second email:

Most people will only take one if they take one at all lol…the milkshakes we can make in the back and walk those around if you want to. Also , we can probably price them out for a lower guest count since it will be later than if there is any overage, you have a few days after the wedding to pay it. I will not have any flag rising on my watch! But of course will save the shoes!

And that’s the story of how cheesesteaks and milkshakes got served at my wedding while still maintaining a zero fatalities or causalities.

The Time I Got Stuck In A Vestibule At Work

To explain the ridges security system of this office:

• Visitors only have access through the front of the building - they must be buzzed in.
• Visitors have no access to inner doors unless accompanied by someone with a card
• Employees have cards to scan ourselves into the lobby - then into the working space
• Employees can only gain access through the front and back entrances. 
• Anyone can exit through any door. 
• Front and back entrances are filmed - other doors are not

I do this thing where I walk through the office to exit on the other side of the building which puts me closer to my car while keeping me in somewhat climate controlled and carpeted space. It reduce my time outside without adding any unnecessary steps.

To outline, my goal:

• As few steps as possible
• As little time outside as possible

There are two exits which put me an equal distance from my car - one is through a conference room and the other is outside the copy room on a length of hallway. In my obsessive need for maximum efficiency, I don't go through the conference room even though it is actually a little closer to were I park.

Reasons: I cannot see if the conference room is being used until I am standing at the door - if it is, I would have to walk back all the way back to the hall door. The way I average it, if there is one meeting a month in the conference room, I would have walked about 1 million more miles than necessary. Where if I only use the hall exit, I might walk more steps outside but I am walking less steps overall.

Wild card - the hall door opens to the outside so you need a card to get it to unlock. But, then it opens to a vestibule requiring you to have a scan card to unlock the actual external door and taste sweet, sweet freedom.

This is the only vestibule set up in the entire complex. All other external doors are just sitting there. You scan or are scanned and walk out. Since this is the only set-up, our security minded facilities crew got drunk and decided how they would make this area impervious to the outside world.

I imagine the conversation went like this:

Dude 1: Do you think we should hire actual security people?
Dude 2: I feel like I could make good security decisions. After all, we have Google!
Dude 1: That sounds like Leadership potential right there!
Dude 2: Ok, listen. We'll give everyone these scan cards they have to use to get into the building through any door. I saw that in a movie once. And to get out, too, they need to have the cards or the doors won't open.
Dude 1: That's f**king brilliant! Wait. What about in the event of a fire? People could be trapped and might sue us. Hmmm...
Dude 2: Ok, when the fire system goes off, anyone can exit?
Dude 1: How much does that cost?
Dude 2: 1 billion dollar.
Dude 1: That will really cut into the badge production. Besides, if we spend less, more for us.
Dude 2: F**k
Dude 1: Ok, how about this. No one needs a card to exit the building but...here's the savings-idea, people can only get into the building through the front and back entrance. We will even set up cameras to film people coming in.
Dude 2: What about people leaving?

Dude 1: F**k that sh**! I don't care if people work forever and die here. I only care about people entering.
Dude 2: You're right. That is logical.

I'd be safe if the conversion had ended there.

Dude 2: Did you see this on the blueprints? This is a box of space here with two doors. That's different. It's a vestigial vestibule!

Dude 1: I know what we have to do. Allow anyone to walk from the inside into the vestibule. But they need a card to get out of the second door.
Dude 2: Why would you do that? It's an exit, right? Why couldn't they just walk out both doors?
Dude 1: What if someone comes to the external door and breaks into the vestibule? Because no one can see them in that space, then they would be able to get into the building by the copy room. We can't have that. I say we lock that exit down. Also, they have to scan to get into the area. Yes! That is how it shall be! Scans everywhere!
Dude 2: Brilliant! Let's do that! This building is complete secure from forces we have yet to identify! Hey, how about we set timers that after something is scanned, it auto-locks for an arbitrary period of time? But, the catch is, we don't tell anyone.
Dude 1: Y.E.S!

I walked down the hall and scanned myself into the vestibule and walked to the external door and it beeped red meaning it knew I had a scan card to exit, but, I had not moved fast enough from the one door to the outside door and it locked down. I looked over my shoulder and saw the other door close - there is no card reader at that door because you can only enter the building through the two main entrances and this door enters the building... 

I was literally stuck in the vestibule. I could not re-enter the building and I could not exit. My thoughts were (in order):

• This is stupid
• I'm going to take a picture of how close the outside world is
• I can't go forward
• I can't go backward
• This is like my life
• No one is coming
• I'm doing to die here
• Will anyone miss me if I do die?
• THIS IS WHAT YOU WERE TRAINED FOR!

Actions taken:

• I knocked on the hall door but since it faces the copy room and no one else is really around it, no one heard me. Plus, it was the end of the day so no one was in the cubes closest too me
• I tried the external door again - no luck. It was still locked
• I attempted to card the lock. No luck
• I checked my phone - everyone at work had already left for the day that I could text. The one person I did text did not reply
• I had no items of which to break the window or door
• I brainstormed pulling the fire alarm - but the door would not open, I knew this, and everyone knew I went home so no one would come looking for me if they actually counted people

Then it happened - someone else walked through the door!

Maddie: OMG, don't let that door close!

Lady: AHHH!!!! (She also had an Indian accent which made her sound far smarter than me)

Maddie: I have been trapped in here for 20 minutes!!

Lady: No, you just need to wait a minute and the other door opens.
Maddie: It's been 20 of those minutes!
Lady: No, I don't think so
Maddie: ...

She walked to the external door and it unlocked, she opened it and we both walked out.

Further research into this situation showed that when she walked into the vestibule, her scan card reset everything in the area and after about two second the external door unlocked as it normally would since the hall door closed behind her.

And that's the story of how I got stuck in the vestibule and plan to trap future enemies in said vestibule.

Things I Have Set On Fire

Sometimes I make up lists in my head about things I think I should keep track of. Most people have "lists" like to-do and stuff like that. I tend to group together weird information. It's almost like I have to ask myself a question and store all the answers in a list in an ongoing way.

Sometimes they are useful, a lot of times, they are like this.

This is a list of things I have set on fire either on purpose or by accident:

• Blood
• Bread
• Butane
• Candles
• Candy wrapper
• Chair
• Cigar
• Cigarette
• Compact Disks (CDs)
• Corn
• Curtains
• Curtains
• Fingernails
• Fireworks
• Flowers
• Gasoline
• Glossy magazines
• Hamburgers
• Hearts (metaphorically by listable)
• Hot dogs
• Incense
• Kale
• Ladder
• Lampe Berger
• Leaves
• Magazines
• Marshmallows
• Milk
• My hair (twice)
• Needles
• Newspaper
• Oven mitt
• Photographs
• Pipe cleaners
• Plastic
• Popcorn
• Sausage
• Scrap paper
• Sealing wax
• Spaghetti noodles
• Sparklers
• Stone
• Stones
• Sweater
• Table saw
• Toaster
• Tobacco
• Walnuts
• Wires
• Wood
• Wool